Clarity about guilt, regret, & remorse

JR: I say that guilt involves a fear of future punishment (as distinct from remorse which is a type of disappointment/ grief about unmet desire).

To J.R.: Maybe, but guilt is used as a weapon against someone. I know my ex partner used it often, in an abusive way and that made me remorseful.

Guilt or shame is used to hold people back in a religious or societal sense we are told not to do this but that, what would *___* think about that, we can’t possibly go out in those clothes, hair unkempt, not bought a new TV/ mobile yet?! Future punishment is fear not guilt, but perhaps these walk hand in hand depending on ones beliefs.

I question all emotions on if they are real or not, evwn love and hate. The line between them is very much similar and there studies that show the same part of the brain activates. Love is not instilled… i know that. Hate can be.

 

JR:

Right, a threat of future punishment can be made- directly or subtly- and if that threat is noticed, then that experience can be called guilt. An infant who does not perceive the threat will not fell guilty.

Also, someone who inaccurately perceives a threat (when there is none) will still feel guilty.

I think of the words like this: Remorse is natural and automatic. Regret is not. It can be “social,” like something that you re “guilted” in to feeling (like your example with ex boyfriend).

Anyway, yes, I am referencing guilt as a subcategory or type of fear (like terror, frigh, horror, paranoia, etc).

Many things can be indoctrinated, such as adoration or admiration. In schools or in the movies, we are given biased versions to glorify some and villify others. There is no avoiding bias, but just a question of what bias will be promoted.

As for guilt and shame, there is no avoiding those either.

If a child is running and is approaching the boundary of a busy street, the important thing practically is to do whatever it takes to promote their safety, so yelling at them is reasonable if it stops them from running out in to traffic and getting hammered by a passing truck,

(like a child running in a yard or in a park)

If they do not understand the yelling and the risk, then shame is one way to label the experience.

There is a distress for the child from the yelling. They may not comprehend the actual issues involved with the traffic and safety and so on.

With the wolves, the alpha male may present a direct threat of violence if a lower-ranking individual eats out of turn or some other “violation.” It is fine for threats to be made and violence to happen- even for a lower-ranking wolf to challenge the alpha and even fail or succeed.

The idea that “wolves should not be how they are” is idealism and contrary to health/ wisdom.

The idea that emotions should not be how they are is similar.

Human cultures socialize their members (children and adults) through fear of punishment and hope for rewards and

so on.

That can be “santa claus” or “st. peter at the gates of heaven and hell.”

There are many weapons including guilt. To use any weapon involves some danger. To neglect to use any weapon because “it is the wrong thing to do” implies… guilt.

It is okay to experience guilt. It is okay to use it as a weapon- but it can be quite destructive to a relationship when there is a weak bond and then lots of guilt thrown in with a weak bond.

It is okay for relationships to weaken or dissolve. There are just different forms of bonds and different attractions and different repulsions.

All of it can simply be noticed as variations of human experience.

In the case of religion, there are often lots of people who are enforcing a regulation without understanding it. They are like people yelling at children who are standing near an empty street with no traffic plus yelling at children close to danger.

They do not understand the regulations so they apply them in hysteria (paranoia) which is understandable but not ideal.

Many religious people are like little kids lecturing another little kid about Santa Claus.

They are deep in distress and shame. That is understandable. That is not desirable. It is much better generally to associate with people who are spiritually mature rather than people who are religiously devoted to a particular fundamentalism.

Being “against” religions or any religion is a sign of spiritual immaturity. Being cautious is smart (or even yelling at someone to be careful about getting too close to where the big trucks are going very fast). Some religious groups can be quite dangerous (misleading, etc), so extreme caution is relevant. That is not the same as having contempt for religions and being against them. I can yell for the child to stay out safely away the speeding trucks, but I have no contempt for the child or the trucks.

Tags: guilt, regret, remorse