Welcome to the About Words website. Below is a brief audio introduction to this site.
Did you know that one of the most popular words on the internet is God?
In fact, we respect the historical fact that there are cycles of both centralization and decentralization of power. In other words, within any culture, there are cycles of increasing personal discretion and decreasing personal discretion. We do not oppose all tradition or conformity in general, but we are cautious of the tendency for a herd mentality to produce widespread paranoia and hysteria, such as unexamined presumptions about certain health crisis.
The best solution to promoting public health (rather than quietly advancing a depopulation agenda) would not be the fighting of symptoms or attacking the immune system’s healing responses. By advancing awareness of simple individual choices that can dramatically improve the health of people one by one, we would reduce the interest in “isolated solutions” (such as mandatory vaccination or compulsory health care protocols to combat specific complications).
For instance, we challenge the advocates of the paranoia about cholesterol to evidence a causal relationship between cholesterol levels and various common health issues. Because of the widespread popularity of the paranoia, most people would never question the correlations that are repeatedly presented as if correlation was evidence of causality. So, just how much interest is there in controlled long-term studies on the effects of specific changes to dietary intake of cholesterol? How much interest is there in long-term research in to the effects of interventions designed to inhibit liver function and reduce production of the nutrient cholesterol? How much interest is there in why the livers of so many animals produce so much cholesterol (and what factors influence the amount of cholesterol produced)? How much interest is there in the assertion that cholesterol is an essential nutrient that is used to manufacture a multitude of important hormones as well as to combat existing health crisis of various kinds? In general, how much interest is there in science itself, such as the huge distinction between correlation and causality?
essentially, a system of social intimidation
Yes, in many parts of the world, there has been a trend of increasing stress for many families. There have been social conditions that resulted in many people focusing mostly on other things besides effective parenting (and besides effective communication). By the time they become parents, many adults have had very limited experience with children, so then they often turn to “experts” for childcare and education, and as a result of that they do not develop any much competence with interacting with children. By the teenage years, the relationship between many parents and their maturing children is quite stressful or is simply “distant.” With each generation, the bond between the parents and the young adults tends to form less and less. Parents may even openly disrespect or harass each other, presenting the youth with patterns of disrespecting one of their own parents.
What is the solution? Individuals can make it a priority to heal any past traumas relating to family and to relationships. Individuals can also recognize the cultural trends de-emphasizing the family.
In particular, the vilification or “demasculinization” of males is a particularly notable issue, corresponding to frequent complaints by women that “it is very hard to find ‘a real man’ that is still unmarried.” In other words, certain masculine qualities have become so rare that men who have even moderate development of those qualities are likely to be extremely desirable to women (and thus women who encounter such a man will not only be very interested, but will be extremely disappointed if the man does not show as much interest in her as she would like, which can then result in extreme jealousy, rage, and resentment- emotions which women would not experience so intensely if they identified an over-flowing abundance of men that are attractive to them and “within their reach”).
There has been a corresponding masculinizing of women (as in a defeminizing). Women have to balance for the lack of masculine qualities in their social circles and that naturally corresponds to less development of feminine qualities.
So, because of the lack of development of classic masculine attributes in the public education systems, young adult males face a disorienting transition when they leave the familiar structures of the classroom (which systematically rewards blind conformity and promotes social anxiety about political correctness rather than rewarding initiative or discernment). The typical response in the school system to masculine initiative may be to ignore it if moderate and otherwise to suppress it with addictive psychiatric drugging. As they get older, the addictive tendencies of many young men (whether alcohol, smoking, or other addictions) maintain a chronic suppression of masculine motivations and practices.
When suddenly everything just fits
Sometimes things just fit. Have you ever watched a small child who was building a jigsaw puzzle with very big pieces? You can see them picking up a piece and trying to place it together with others. Even when there are only a few pieces left, they still can have trouble matching the remaining pieces with the rest of the puzzle.
When there is only a single piece left, they still may not look for how the colors and shapes fit with other pieces. They may rotate the final piece several times before it fits in. Maybe they even get frustrated and call for your help.
Is it easy for you to build that same puzzle now? Maybe you have built it hundreds of times.
Maybe when you were a small child, you built that exact same puzzle (and very slowly). Maybe the edges on the pieces have become rough and flimsy from your own use.
Eventually, you discovered that the top of the box had a picture that matched the completed puzzle. You learned to use that picture as a guide. Not only did everything fit together, but you could do it much more quickly!
What if the rest of life could be that easy? What if there was some kind of a guideline for how to fit everything together? What if you could get a map of your destiny and then quickly re-organize all of these weirdly-shaped pieces to fit together and create a new “big picture?”
The individual pieces of a puzzle only include a hint of the total meaning of the whole puzzle. You cannot look at one or two pieces and know what the entire puzzle will look like… or not usually.
But if you had a picture of the full puzzle completed, then that would make it easier to know if any single piece fit in to that puzzle or was from some other puzzle. Imagine having pieces from several different puzzles all mixed together. You might even be missing some pieces from some of the puzzles. Maybe you have a few box tops with a few pictures of completed puzzles, but you are not sure if you have pieces from any of those puzzles. At some point, you would probably just give up.
Sometimes, life as an adult can seem very complicated. You may be helping several different kids all build their own puzzles while you keep trying to get a few minutes to work on your own.
Maybe you can get everyone to stop what they have been doing and then finally work on the same puzzle together. Wouldn’t that be a relief? It might sound good, but if the kids are not getting along with each other very well, then “working together” could result in even less progress (and even more stress)!
So, how important is it for other people to know which puzzle you are building and to encourage you or even help you? How fast should you build it? Also, exactly which puzzle should you build?
If you knew your destiny, many questions would suddenly be easier to sort through (like sorting through hundreds of puzzle pieces for the edge pieces). However, your destiny is not conveniently located on the top of a puzzle box, is it? We do not have a big picture of your destiny filed away (just waiting for you to come and ask to see it).
However, (for those of you who have built a lot of puzzles), when you were learning to build puzzles, did you ever learn a technique that made the whole process faster and easier? By now, you probably know that, when building a jigsaw puzzle, it can help to first build the edges of the puzzle. That can really simplify and speed up the process.
In order to make the four edges first, you sort through the pieces and look for what? You look the pieces that have a straight edge.
Plus, there are four pieces that are extremely unique. Even if you do not have the puzzle box with the “big picture” as your guide, there are a few pieces that have not just one straight edge, but two. What do you call those?
If your life seems rather messy and you would like to bring more order and organization to your life (and maybe even recognize your destiny), then it might help to start by identifying the corner pieces, right? But life is not a jigsaw puzzle. There are no corner pieces that create a framework for identifying your destiny, right?
Before you answer, keep in mind that the small child who does not know to look for corner pieces will not look for them. So, if that child sees those pieces with two edges, they may not recognize the importance of those four pieces. That child could see those pieces and even pick them up, yet without ever recognizing them as having any special value. To the novice, they are “just regular pieces like all the rest.”
However, what if there are major “cornerstone” issues in your life that are obvious to you as parts of your life, but you do not organize your life around those parts because you do not identify them as uniquely important? Maybe you have already a few of them identified. What if you could quickly identify all four, then connect them with edge pieces, and then maybe even have enough clarity about your “big picture” to have a sudden, unexpected recognition?
What if you are suddenly aware that there actually is a bigger picture? Yes, it can get boring to just sit down and build a puzzle all day. However, what if you realized that there is a bigger picture to your life? What if you felt grateful to have the opportunity to put the pieces together and eventually witness what the completed puzzle will look like?
But that’s not all! What if you have built this puzzle before, even many times? What if you start to get the sense that “you already knew that next piece would be coming?” What if you started finding lots of pieces that felt familiar? What if you got excited and had fun with your life again… like you might not have done since you were a small child just about to put in the very last piece?
You will build your life and fill in all the details. We just help you create a framework that fits for you.
The dialogue below is related to recent content on this blog about destiny (and “choice”). My comments begin below Daniel’s first commentaries.
Conformity and compliance are choices and not abilities, always have been and always will be. Putting jealousy and conformity/compliance in the same sentence, or idea, is an oxymoron which only a moron with little understanding would do.
s about all this information is fucking American scripture now sit down and shut up so the other kids can be trained to lose their curiosity, or sense of wonder, mwahahaha mwahaha. Now remember my success in the empire or ability to move forward is not on teaching ability but how well I can program your young and impressionable minds.Almost all of you are very good at sitting the fuck down and shutting up so you better as well Joshua or off to the Nazi’s office you go or some drugs for you? Anything to quell your natural curiosity, right? “. Lolol
promote our collective salvation or else to stay back like disgusting cowards and face the penalty for desertion. Which will it be?”that is taunting. That is bullying. That is triggering anxiety. That is a threat.
did the tyrant choose any of it? I do not care. But all tyrants practice the same tirades.
when is choice most vigorously argued about? When the criminal prosecutor is justifying why the rebellious cadet should be shot by a firing squad, then the label may presented of “the cadet had a choice and made the wrong one.”
did the prosecuting attorney choose to say any of that? I do not really care. They all say the same thing, though.
what is really being tested by the tyrant when taunting the cadets? The tyrant is sorting through the cadets like a quality control specialist on an assembly line. If the hardware is good and the software has been properly installed, then the robots that obey the commands given are approved for shipment to the front lines of the wars. Any cadet that obeys the negative command (to desert the army) will be sent for correctional facilitation (re-education/ repairs/ re-programming) or, such as if the hardware is judged to be bad, will be discarded.
Very clever, space cadet.
s. Go find some young minds while there is still time for some benefit. The more clarity that comes for me the more I would rather be dead.R.I.P. to a life of success. Who gives a fuck? Probably not me or I would have bent over the table with a lifetime supply of lube long ago. Dumbass
In the course of human events, some may develop a curiosity to understand the influence of shame. For anyone else, the subject might be far too disturbing. Also, pace could be important.
PEOPLE LIKE ME
Before a single word, life was simpler (By a little bit, but no more than that).
I got afraid with no name for my fear and no shame…. I threw tantrums like a jealous bull full of rage
I felt sad like that statue with the puppy dog eyes and I wanted to make the powerful smile at me
Tell me that I am safe from all of them Make me believe what you’re saying
Train me to look away from what frightens me for I never want the tyrant to ever notice me
In schools they showed me what they value they led my focus to their list of approved subjects
they directed me to repeat anything…. rewarding me, but under threat of embarrassment
They taught me untested hypothesis and said it’s science… to just put it on the test and stop asking questions
There is no controversy in the empire’s science class unless according to allowed scripts in the study guide
They taught me that some emotions are bad (at least bad in the system)
They ridiculed me for coloring outside the lines
I learned their games and played them day after day
and I forgot how life used to be so simple
Show me the role that you want me to fill. Give me the lines that you want me to say
Assign my character and I’ll play my part and if the audience gives me a standing ovation
I will look down from the stage at them with pity that’s politely hidden
Tell me that I am safe from all of them. Make me believe what you’re saying
Train me to look away from what frightens me for I never want the tyrant to ever notice me
I learned their sacred presumptions and clung to programmed expectations
I hid my jealousy for those without my lasting distress
or were they fooling me (like I tried fooling them) Did they envy me for pretending so well to be calm
and anyone who seemed to see through my pretenses, I would target as the worst of enemies
flooding with distractions… pouring accusations… assassinating the character of the messenger
Tell me that I am safe from… all people like me. Make me believe what you’re saying
Train me to look away from what frightens me for I never want the tyrant to ever notice me
People like me. People like me, right? People must like my performance of their favorite roles.
Don’t they believe me when I tell them that they’re safe… from the tyrant that we all call our savior?
Santa, please help me to deceive the children. People like me when I tell them what they like, right?
We’re all so smart here. We’re all so safe… for we know how to repeat holy slogans.
What is your destiny?
To understand destiny, first notice that the word destiny can be used to point to something unique. Every word is a pointer. The word destiny simply points to an idea. To discover how the word destiny is used here, keep reading.
Have you ever been outside on a bright day and seen your own shadow? Maybe you noticed that every shadow is pointing away from the sun, right? Of course shadows point away from the light source! That is just how shadows work.
So, whether or not anyone says that shadows always work the same, you can see it for yourself. Even if someone says something about shadows that is inconsistent with what you directly see, you can still see shadows pointing away from the sun. Whatever they say about shadows does not change how shadows work.
Destiny is like that. Anyone could recognize what destiny means as an observable reality, but some people might never understand destiny as anything more than a strange idea (maybe even a confusing one).
Without really understanding it, some people may talk about destiny or even say that “there is no such thing as destiny.” That is like someone saying “shadows are living things that have the choice to point away from light and anyone can see that the shadows always choose to point away from the light, but their direction is still their choice!”
So, how shadows really work is distinct from any words used about shadows. In general, language is distinct from the rest of reality.
Language can be used to interpret a particular reality in more than one way. Language can be used to dismiss a reality.
Language can effect other people’s attention and interpretations, but language does not change how shadows work, right?
Next, imagine someone tossing a ball straight up high in to the air. What do you expect to happen to a ball thrown up in to the air?
The speed of the ball rising will eventually slow down, then the ball will fall back down to the ground, right?
If you made a video recording of the entire flight of the ball and timed the length of the flight of the ball, what would you notice at exactly half way through the flight of the ball?
There is a short moment when the ball is not rising or falling. Also, as the ball comes down, it will actually speed up on the way down.
No matter how many times you tossed a ball and recorded the flight, you would always find certain consistent patterns. Maybe you measure the total time for one toss from release to landing. Maybe you label a certain moment as the highest point or the peak or “half way between the times of the release and the landing.”
All of that labeling is distinct from the actual patterns being labeled. What you notice, you might label. What you do not notice, you will not label because you cannot.
Now, imagine that someone says “what just brought the ball back down is called gravitational force.” Then someone else says, “no, what brought the ball back down is called gravity.”
People can argue over the words, right? They can even say “there is no such thing as gravity.”
Maybe they do not understand what the word gravity means. However, every time a ball is tossed up in the air, a predictable pattern can be observed. That pattern can be labeled “the ball always coming back down” or “gravity” or “gravitational force.” The different labels all point to the same pattern.
What is the destiny of a ball tossed straight up in to the air? The word destiny is related to the word destination.
The destination of a ball tossed in to the air is to return the ground. Destiny is like that.
However, destiny includes the final destination as well as every stage along the way. The destiny of the tossed ball is not just the final destination, but first to rise, then to slow down, then to reach the peak of the flight, then to begin to fall, then to speed up, then to reach the ground again.
But what if someone tosses a golf ball in to a pond? The ball will splash and land in the water, not “on the ground,” right? So, does one difference in that specific case completely “disprove the existence of destiny?”
No, because the words used to talk about the destiny of every ball tossed in to the air are just being used to point to a general pattern. Special cases (that have one detail different and conform in all other details) are just slight variations.
If the destination of one golf ball is different from the others, that does not alter the basic meaning of the word destination. Likewise, if the destiny of one golf ball is unique, that does not alter the basic meaning of the word destiny.
“Your destiny” will be quite similar to that of everyone else in many ways. However, it will also be unique.
So, destiny is a real label. As a label, it is just as real as destination, gravity, and golf balls. All of those words are just words. However, the words all point to something that anyone can observe. But, some people might not.
If someone does not use the word gravity or even says that gravity does not exist, so be it.
That is obviously just part of their destiny to say that, right?
What exactly is your destiny? What I mean by “your destiny” will be evident in the past, the present, and the future.
Your past has been pointing to it. All the momentum present in your life now also points to it.
Ultimately, your destiny includes everything that actually happens (all that has happened and that will happen). Your destiny also includes everything you ever say.
Embracing your destiny might include precisely organizing your words around the actual patterns in your life. What other people say is what they say. What they notice is what they notice.
What about you though? How well does what you say about your life fit with your actual life?
For people who are interested in the topic of their future destiny, typically that means they are experiencing a mix of excitement and curiosity and maybe even confusion or distress. Does that sound familiar?
Next, is it possible for a brief interaction with another person to quickly bring your destiny in to focus for you? Can your clarity suddenly increase? Can conflicting momentums relax and resolve smoothly?
You have been programmed to relate to your own life through scripts that may distract you from certain patterns. Through words, your attention has been programmed to notice certain things and not others. Your interpretations of what you notice have also been programmed.
In particular, you may have developed habits of confusing one thing for something else. That activity of confusion can be frustrating.
Note that we just called confusion an activity. Confusion involves labeling something in a certain way that does not fit with what is actually happening.
To assist you in developing new clarity about what your destiny already is, an expert in resolving confusion can be very valuable. Someone who is not emotionally invested in your current script can easily notice how your current script may be producing frequent confusion for you.
Complicated scripts can be simplified. Confusing scripts can be discarded (or carefully evaluated for accuracy).
Why do this? Not doing it can be intensely frustrating. Doing it can bring sudden relief and unexpected satisfaction. Do this because life will be so much easier when you do (compared to before you did).
Your destiny is actually not the source of any tension. However, your programmed scripts may complicate your experience of life. In fact, what if the destiny of every single person includes an inevitable encounter with the fact that your programmed scripts have been “clouding” your awareness of your destiny?
Your current scripts are just one detail. Your destiny has produced them and can produce new ones that fit more precisely with your actual life.
Further, what if your destiny is to interact with someone who is skilled at creating scripts that bring you relief from past habits of confusion (confusing one thing for something else)? How about someone who can help you review your own observations to organize a revised script that resonates powerfully with motivations that you have not examined (or that you have been confusing for something that they are not)?
>> MORE ABOUT WHY
Why will you value interacting with someone who is an expert at interpreting your destiny? When your speaking fits the rest of your life, your experience shifts.
For instance, chronic patterns of physical tension can dissolve. Some scripts can actually make you anxious or scared. If you notice certain reactions beginning to form, then you can instantly interrupt the scripts producing those reactions and instead produce clarity and courage and power (through using new scripts that fit your actual destiny).
Fear is part of your destiny. In fact, everything that actually happens is part of your destiny.
Your destiny gives you fear to produce a shift in your attention. That shift in attention can lead to something very valuable called courage.
Courage only comes through fear. There is no other way to experience courage, except after fear arises.
Between the initial arising of fear and the eventual arising of courage, there will also be heightened alertness and caution. The purpose of stress hormones is to produce fright, which includes increased alertness.
If part of your destiny has been to condemn fear in a script of terror, so be it. In terror, people may condemn terror.
Why? They fear it. Through a script of condemning fear, they may experience paranoia (such as lasting anxiety about avoiding the display of fear). They are socially anxious about noticing any patterns in their life as fear. The terrified anxiety may even be crippling.
If that is part of your destiny, you might be interested to know that fear is a universal component in everyone’s destiny (along with confusion). Further, social anxiety about being recognized as confused by others is also common.
We naturally want others to respect us and to think of us as perceptive. However, sometimes it is even more important (than being considered perceptive by a particular person) to actually be perceptive.
How perceptive are you about your destiny? If you are ever anxious about other people pressuring you toward uncomfortable subjects, that is a normal and healthy response. As your destiny becomes clear to you, then other people’s pushing or pulling will eventually be like a single drop of water in an ocean.
If destiny was the captain of a sailboat, destiny would not complain about the direction of the wind. Destiny would be interested in recognizing changes in the direction of the wind and then adjusting the sails to continue toward the destination.
If the wind is blowing directly away from the destination, that is useful to notice. To a skilled captain, that wind is basically the same as no wind at all. Drop the anchor to hold position, relax, and then wait for the wind to change to a favorable direction again.
>> MORE ABOUT HOW
You may have noticed that there are some popular scripts that reject the idea of destiny. So what?
The scripts that you use are part of your destiny. When you change scripts (descriptions), that is your destiny changing your scripts.
When destiny brings you to motivation to explore the assistance of an expert in matching you to a script that is a good fit for you, that is like an actor that has an agent to help them find roles to perform. If you try a few scripts, some will match you better than others.
In every culture, there are several common scripts that most everyone is familiar with, such as the victim or the rebel. When those fit for you, any other scripts might be “wrong for you” at that time. When those do not fit, there are many other types of script to explore (other genres or narrative styles).
When your life is flowing like a romantic comedy, it does not work well to pretend it is still an action adventure story. Also, just because you have a script that fits well for the current stage of your destiny, you may value some coaching from someone who has played the same role a few hundreds times more than you.
When exactly will you do this? Again, not doing it can be intensely frustrating. So, until your destiny brings you to enough frustration, you may ignore old disappointments. You might have preferred ignoring them temporarily (maybe even for a few decades, but that is still temporary).
You may even ignore your own fear… for a while. That can change and the change can be sudden.
Now, what if you were open to courage (and even to face fear)? What if you respected fear a the only access to courage? What if you also recognized that your experience of confusion or distress had reached a point that you were humble enough to consider identifying a competent specialist and requesting their assistance?
Confusion can lead to simplifying, clarifying, and exploring. A topic of confusion, when you consider it important to you, will lead to a huge increase in curiosity toward that topic. Plus, if the situation is “very complicated” (confusing), then you will be willing to do what it takes to find the assistance you value and then to collect the resources to give you access to that assistance.
To get access to a list of our programs and our staff members, plus testimonials that will inspire you to get started, the process is easy. Just put your email in the form below.
(imagine filling out a form right here….)
>> MORE ON WHY
So, again, why will you do this? You could say to yourself (in the voice of your favorite authority figure) that “it is just my destiny.” If that is true, though, then you will do this because you want relief from things that repulse you and because life is much easier when you keep doing it. You will suddenly get the relief you might not have even thought was possible. Your capacity to learn can rocket, and as that happens, your confidence naturally blossoms.
Old motivations that you may have been spending energy resisting will suddenly be refreshing. You will have more energy by no longer resisting them, plus welcoming those motivations could give you access to supplies of energy that you did not know you had.
Stop trying to change the direction of the wind. Be willing to adjust your sails. Be willing to occasionally retract your sails and drop anchor.
In fact, you may even want to glance at a map now and then. If you did not bring a map because you have been saying that maps do not exist and that even if they did, you should not need one, how is that working for you? This may be exactly the right time to consult with a specialist in navigating your destiny.
TO CONTACT US… leave a comment on the blog.
The nature of a woman is to call for attention.
They do it with words and perfume and clothing.
Girls and boys also call for attention,
but they just want protection while a woman also wants affection.
But not from just anyone as you may have noticed.
They want the devotion of a man who offers more than just shelter.
They want an able protector and a stable provider.
They want nourishment, comfort, status and a champion.
Many women want an ally who can listen and direct them
kind of like a doctor or lawyer, but also like a grandfather.
They crave a man who keeps them centered and focused…
who can handle their challenges and balances their weaknesses.
They want his anger and his fear,
his jealousy and sadness,
humility and aggression,
his passion and stillness,
cunning and sincerity
humor and intensity
a man who keeps them feeling safe, relaxed, learning, and having fun
Are you seeking relief from a possible threat?
Are you reviewing new methods to promote a specific benefit?
Or, are you developing new focus by exploring buried motivations
(with no special urgency about any other priority besides learning about yourself)?
Option 1) GET FAST RELIEF:
If you want urgent relief from a possible threat and are reading this, then you will be open to new methods (because your prior ones have not satisfied you or you would not still be seeking relief). However, you may also experience a background of anxiety or even distress, so you will value quickly seeing repeated evidence of effectiveness (evidence that you consider credible). Next for you is to browse our index of solutions and then review the testimonials for that service. Click here now: “Somehow, I will get the relief I seek!” <not yet active>
Option 2) REVIEW NEW METHODS:
If you are already motivated by a clear target that powerfully attracts you toward finding the most effective methods that are relevant to you, then you may also have some method already in use (or that you tried and then stopped using). In other words, a valuable use of your time would be to precisely measure any methods familiar to you in comparison to a few relevant alternatives (which may even include things that are somewhat familiar to you). What is most important to you is getting the results that motivate you, not which methods you use (or else this is not the right choice for you at this time).
So, maybe you will keep using some of your old methods (at least occasionally). Maybe you will not. If you quickly see results that are far better than what is already familiar to you, then you will gather the resources to implement the methods that are the best fit for you (for promoting the priority that is motivating you toward new action). If this fits for you, click here: “I know exactly what I want and I am willing to get it through whatever way is best for me.” <not yet active>
Option 3) FOCUS ON MOTIVATION:
Every organism has innate motivations. Each of those motivations can be stimulated, left latent, or even suppressed socially. Through the skillful assistance of experts, we can carefully unleash motivations that we have learned to suppress or bury. This can be an immense relief and advantage, yet also may be dangerous without a skilled expert’s assistance.
WHAT IS IT LIKE TO FIGHT YOUR OWN MOTIVATIONS?
What is it like to have suppressed motivations? When left buried, certain motivations may seem to conflict with our conscious intentions. They may distract us and make it hard to stay focused on less intense motivations (such as things that we have been programmed to fixate on or methods that we have been trained to relate to as totally essential).
Instead of us having the extra clarity and energy of those motivations available, those motivations (if buried) may even seem to cripple us. They are drawing our attention and respect.
Instead of depleting our own resources to suppress those motivations, we can release them slowly or suddenly. We will have all the extra energy that we had been using to suppress them. Plus we will have all the extra clarity that those motivations can provide us.
WHAT IS IT LIKE TO DRIVE WITH THE PARKING BRAKE ON?
As a metaphor, imagine driving a car in rainstorm with no windshield wipers and the parking brake engaged (or the brake pedal pressed down hard). It will take a lot of energy to get started against the resistance of that brake, right?
What if you could easily release the brake, turn on the windshield wipers and then even turn on some headlights? Your clarity (perceptiveness) can suddenly increase, plus the power and efficiency of the vehicle will improve.
If you currently experience frequent discontent in your life, then you may be like someone who has headlights working and wipers working (so you can see where you would like to go), but you are using energy to keep the brake pedal slammed down as hard as you can. Rather than just pressing harder on the gas pedal to accelerate against the brakes, how about releasing the brakes first?
WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT: VISIBILITY OR SPEED?
However, it is important to make sure that visibility is excellent first before improving the power of the vehicle too much. For those who are accustomed to having to press down very hard on the gas pedal to get any response, it is good to have excellent visibility before improving the power too much. That visibility will help for someone to quickly recalibrate their own effort.
In some cases, we can see that poor visibility will actually lead to people being very cautious about using the power of their vehicle. Why do social groups suppress the power of individuals? One reason might be to give the individual time to improve their perceptiveness before being harmed by their own undisciplined use of power. Also, it might be important to have brakes that you know can function well (before getting too excited about how fast you can go).
MORE: HOW DID SOME MOTIVATIONS GET BURIED?
Over time, the attention of an individual typically gets programmed repeatedly. Certain subjects are identified as important (while other subjects are either dismissed, ignored, or ridiculed). So, attention is governed through language first, and then our interpretations of the targets of attention are also governed or programmed.
Among the subjects labeled important, there are two basic subcategories: such as good and bad. Some subjects are socially forbidden as dangerous and others are emphasized as beneficial. That is all social conditioning. Different social groups will label various subjects in different ways (important or trivial, good or bad, etc…). Some innate motivations may be encouraged and others neglected or suppressed.
THE IMPORTANCE OF CURIOSITY & CONFUSION
First, our attention is programmed (including by language). Then our interpretations (which are entirely linguistic) are also programmed socially.
Further, what we typically experience is just our interpretations (not the raw sensations, which are filtered and organized in order to eventually form interpretations). Only when we experience moments of curiosity are we unable to settle on a particular interpretation of our sensations. Without reactive interpretations, there can be raw sensation of stimuli without presumptive interpretations (as in with curiosity or “an open mind of an innocent child”). For many adults, such direct physical sensation without presumptive labeling is quite rare.
An intense form of curiosity is called confusion, in which we have direct sensory input plus a reactive interpretation that we further interpret as imprecise (a misinterpretation). Confusion typically produces a cautious retreat from the stimuli that we recognize as revealing a flaw or imprecision in our familiar interpretative models. In some cases, we may respond to confusion with enough interest to bring curiosity in to an exploration of the unfamiliar stimuli. Confusion is not mere ignorance. Confusion happens by mistaking one thing for something else and also realizing the mistake. Until the mistake is realized, there is no confusion but simply an unrecognized error of interpretation. Confusion can precede a surge of curiosity and accelerated learning.
However, most people are programmed to interpret confusion as a threat to their familiar model of presumptive interpretations. In fact, there is no greater threat to a pattern of presumptive interpretations than direct sensations that clearly establish the imprecision of the interpretative model.
In such experiences of a conflict between direct observation and programmed interpretations (also called “cognitive dissonance”), there are only two resolutions to the stress. Either there will be a retreat from the stimuli (which will be called things like confusing or offensive or disturbing) or there will be a retreat from the programmed presumptions. (Or, there can be a total retreat both from the social programming and from the stimuli).
So, consider that curiosity and confusion are both things that could be interpreted as important. When there is a context of insecurity about a particular interpretative model, then there will be social pressure to interpret confusion as extremely unfavorable. However, when there is a respect for interpretative models in general rather than a worship of one in particular, then confusion may be highly valued as a gateway to profound learning.
When do people cling to a specific interpretative model? When they have an experience of economic desperation / urgency, they can hysterically cling to the familiar in distress.
When do people relate to confusion as an opportunity to increase the precise of interpretative models? When they have an experience of economic stability and security, they tend to recognize that confusion does not need to be reflexively avoided. Instead, any particular confusion can be calmly identified either as presumed irrelevant and thus totally ignored (as distinct from resisted or attacked) or else as worthy of exploring with curiosity (and with innocent humility, as in a respect for direct observation rather than resisting direct observation in the idolatrous worship of a particular interpretative program).
So, by programming our attention and our interpretations, social groups also program our experiences (our perceptions). Based on the programmed interpretations that we experience, we respond behaviorally.
We develop certain innate capacities based on social influences. Other innate capacities may be neglected or even suppressed. We develop according to the influence of social programming (and other influences).
What is even more important than our innate capacities? Our innate motivations might be more important. If left unprogrammed, then our innate motivations can be expected to guide the development of our innate capacities.
Again, social groups may target the governing of our innate motivations (and the development of our innate capacities), including perhaps to allow us to increase our perceptiveness prior to use having “too much” capacity or power or ability. In some social groups, it may be important to the group to cripple the human resources in various ways so that not only are they unable to escape from the role that the system provides to them, but are unable to even perceive any alternative to that programmed role. They will be programmed to reactively interpret all alternatives as either irrelevant to them (for whatever justification) or as simply impossible.
However, by unleashing suppressed motivations, what may have in the past been dismissed as irrelevant may be re-interpreted as not yet relevant. In other words, if resources are lacking so that a particular method is not yet deemed relevant, then an unleashed motivation can producing a gathering of relevant resources.
Methods that are not yet relevant will not be dismissed. They may even be explored as triggers for releasing motivation (to the extent that a particular method is perceived to be promising).
In particular, confusion will not be reflexively avoided. In the presence of confusion, there will be intense motivation to obtain the assistance of a competent, trustworthy ally to promote clarity.
There may be momentary retreat from the trigger of confusion, but that will lead to approaching possible allies with an interest in assessing who is perceived to be trustworthy and competent in whatever ways are deemed relevant by the individual who is open to experiencing breakthroughs in perceptiveness as well as in power. Instead of saying “I cannot because it is too hard and too dark and too rainy,” they will say things like this: “I will not proceed with enthusiasm in these weather conditions unless first I can turn on my wipers and my headlights, then have a good map and a reliable plan for my journey (including sufficient fuel), and finally there is one more thing. I value making sure that I am not leaning on the brakes the whole way. I value releasing the parking brake before I press on the gas pedal. In other words, I value knowing where I am going and actually getting there. I’m not just trying to show off my vehicle for social approval. I’m not pre-occupied with going where certain other people say I should. I want to experience my innate motivations fully, including the discontent of unfulfilled priorities. I want to explore my motivations with respect, like as if they have always been my allies and were never my enemies. Finally, I am open to competent assistance. I might even seek it out.”
To explore our services for carefully unleashing your most powerful motivations, click here. <not yet active>
Let’s explore what vanity is and how it is important. Vanity is a label for an anxious pre-occupation with social validation. In simplest terms, vanity is a form of anxiety (distress).
As background, I consider anxiety to be a label for the inevitable biochemical effects of a deficiency of carbon dioxide in the bloodstream, resulting in reduced supply of oxygen to the brain cells (“hypoxia”), further resulting in the behavioral / experiential effects called anxiety. In other words, anxiety “attacks” are when the brain is suffocating from chronic hyperventilation.
The remedy is breathing calmly (slowly). In severe acute hyperventilation, it is common for people to breath in and out of a paper bag in order to dramatically raise CO2 levels in the bloodstream and thus prevent the brain tissue from suffocating. Most people know about acute hyperventilation (sudden onset) but do not know how common and severe the effects are of chronic (slow onset) hyperventilation.
Most people know about O2 coming in through the lung tissue and then Hemoglobin (red blood cells) bonds with the O2 (as shown above). What they do not know is the mechanism of how the O2 gets released. Let’s review that quickly.
Here is an image of what happens during calm breathing. As we already referenced, O2 (in blue at top right) comes in through the lung tissue and then Hemoglobin (red blood cells) bond with the O2. That is in the center of the above image (shown as HbO2). What happens next is totally uncontroversial and well-established, but not widely known or used.
So, we just breathed in and then we have lots of HbO2 (oxygen-rich red blood cells). Those oxygenated blood cells are flowing around with lots of H2O (water), right? When the oxygen-rich blood reaches a part of the body that has been doing some work (which produces CO2), then there will be a higher concentration of CO2 in that “active” part of the bloodstream and the O2 will be released there near the activity.
Why? Exactly what happens in the presence of CO2 that produces the release of the O2?
What is happening is that where there has been cellular activity (such as physical exertion), there will be raised levels of CO2. Next, all of that CO2 in the bloodstream will electromagnetically “rip apart” water (H2O in the bottom center) in to a hydroxyl ion (OH-) and a free proton (which chemists call a positively charged molecule of hydrogen: H+). Each freed proton (AKA “positive hydrogen ion”) slightly alters the electromagnetic charge (as in the voltage or pH) of the blood in that area of cellular activity.
Because of the local cellular activity has raised local CO2 levels, that rips apart some of the water molecules in the blood, thus making HCO3- (“bicarbonate” at left center of image below) and releasing free protons (“positive hydrogen ions” / H+). Those free protons alter the electromagnetic charge of the water / the blood in that area. That electromagnetic charge is extremely important for the release of the O2 from the red blood cells.
When the charge of the blood is in the ideal range (not too low or too high), then an efficient transfer of O2 in to the surrounding cells can happen. The free proton (H+) electromagnetically rips the O2 from the HbO2 (the oxygen-rich red blood cell in the center above) and then the released O2 (in the top left in blue) can finally enter the surrounding tissue. This sequence was documented in 1904 by a researcher named Christian Bohr, so it is called the Bohr Effect.
Basically, more CO2 in a certain area of the bloodstream results in more H+ (protons) which is measurable as a lower pH which further results in O2 getting released (electromagnetically ripped) from the red blood cells. After CO2 has lowered the local pH of the blood, then the hemoglobin has less saturation or “affinity” for oxygen (as the chart below shows).
It is a good thing for the O2 to be released. It is a VERY bad thing for no O2 to be released.
So, keep in mind that we breathe “through” the internal waters of the bloodstream. Like a liquid cell in a car battery, we obviously must have water in the cell so that all of these water-soluble biochemical reactions can take place, plus we must have an appropriate electromagnetic charge (pH) to produce the red blood cell’s release of O2 across the medium of water (H20).
How is pH regulated? By CO2 levels. If CO2 levels are wrong, then pH is wrong, so oxygen does not get from the red blood cells to the tissues. That starves the brain tissue and causes effects known as attacks of anxiety and panic and asthma. That is bad.
When CO2 levels are high enough, that lowers blood pH, allowing for the proper release of O2 from the blood in to surrounding tissues. That is good.
What causes anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and asthma attacks? Insufficient oxygenation of tissues (“hypoxia”), such as due to bad pH levels (which typically is due to bad CO2 levels from excessive exhalation). Again, that is bad. In the case of extreme sleep apnea, the suffocation caused by hyperventilation is so bad that the brain must create a nightmare to wake up the body and prevent brain damage or death.
By the way, suffocation is bad for you. Hyperventilation eventually WILL produce suffocation. Anxiety is simply an effect of suffocation. So, slow down your breathing!
Vanity is a type of anxiety. Chronic vanity is not as bad as a severe apnea attack, but it is still “bad for you.”
So, when we have chronic physical tensions (or physical injuries) that inhibit proper breathing, the natural result is an increase in the rate and depth of inhalations and exhalations. The result on the blood chemistry is that rapid exhalations deplete the blood of CO2, preventing the CO2 from breaking water in to HO- and H+, thus preventing the local altering of the pH of the blood, finally preventing the release of the O2 from the red blood cell in to the surrounding tissue. In short, by exhaling too much, all tissues (including brain cells) are slowly suffocated. Again, “anxiety” is the natural result (including the specific form of anxiety that I call vanity).
Most modern adults breathe about twice as much (by volume) than is healthy. As babies and young children, most of us breathe much more calmly most of the time (before the maturing organism develops the typical chronic physical tensions of mainstream socialization / conditioning / traumatization).
What is the nature of the chronic physical tensions? They are to repress the display of normal human emotions such as fear, anger, distress, and shame.
Many cultures (or social institutions such as programming schools) target those emotions as “evil” and reward children for suppressing them and “being good” (being quiet / still / compliant). In some cases, children may be drugged to be promote behavioral “normalcy.”
In order to adapt to all that social pressure to identify certain behaviors and emotions as evil and then suppress them, all children typically develop chronic physical tensions to maintain their social persona of “being good” (never displaying the punished emotions of fear, anger, and shame). Those chronic physical tensions inhibit the normal healthy breathing process, resulting in open-mouthed over-breathing. In other words, they dull their brains and emotional responsiveness by starving their brains of oxygen (by slowly suffocating / exhausting themselves).
Now, what exactly is vanity? Fundamentally, it corresponds to an interpretation of “I am not safe.” In particular, vanity is an organism’s normal healthy coping mechanism for the presence of social threats and especially institutions of intimidation. To compensate for the lack of safety and the presence of perceived social threats (such as potential critics / antagonists / assailants), a persona is formed to compensate for the perceived lack of safety.
In other words, the persona is a behavioral coping mechanism to increase safety. The personality (patterns of behavior) will settle in to whatever patterns promote survival and safety within the life circumstances and social setting of the organism. In situations of sufficient social stress, personality breakdowns (like PTSD or schizophrenia) may predictably rise in frequency.
So, what exactly is the behavior pattern of vanity? It is a pre-occupation with social approval / disapproval (validation/ invalidation). It corresponds to dilemmas and paranoid agonizing about “how can I best preserve my favorite social preferences?”
In religious terms, vanity is the worship of social validation and the neglecting of attention to God (and the activities of God). The ancient Hebrew prophet Isaiah warned about it and Jesus quoted Isaiah directly on the subject, such as in Mark, chapter 7, verses 6-8 (see below).
In vanity, people “corrupt” traditions by conforming blindly (and hysterically) to their familiar traditions. With absolutely no respect for the actual function of the tradition and total pre-occupation with perfectionist vanity (social validation), many people copy traditions with their tongues and their lips, but completely miss the spirit of the traditions. Here is what Isaiah and Jesus are recorded to have taught:
From Isaiah chapter 29: http://biblehub.com/isv/isaiah/29.htm
10For the LORD has poured out upon you
a spirit of deep sleep—
he has closed your eyes, you [so-called] prophets,
he has covered your [ears], you [so-called] seers!”
11“And this entire vision has become for you like the words of a sealed book. When people give it to someone who can read, and say, ‘Read this, please,’ he answers, ‘I cannot, because it is sealed.’ 12 Or when they give the book to someone who cannot read, and say, ‘Read this, please,’ he answers, ‘I don’t know how to read.’”
13 Then the LORD [?Isaiah, whose title within the community of Hebrews would be Massioch or Messiah or Annointed Lord] said:
“Because these people draw near with their mouths
and honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me,
worship of men has become
merely like rules taught by human beings.
14 Therefore, watch out!”
Jesus as recorded in Mark, Chapter 7:
5 So the Pharisees and teachers of the law asked Jesus, “Why don’t your disciples live according to the tradition of the elders….?”
6 He replied, “Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written:
“ ‘These people honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
7 They worship me in vain;
their teachings are merely human rules.’
8 You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to human traditions.”
9 And he continued, “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions!
13 you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that.”
In a related chapter (Matthew 15), Jesus added these famous lines:
14 “Leave them [stop concerning yourself with the teachings of hysterical leaders like the Pharisees]; they are blind guides. If the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.”
What is the nature of vanity? It involves craving for a set of ideals to worship in hysterical perfectionism.
Mere concern for social reputation or perceptions is not vanity. Vanity is a chronic, hysterical over-emphasis on social validation. Drawing attention to one’s self is generally not vanity. Vanity is actually about distracting attention away from the “evil” aspects of one’s self.
“I will reject the voice of God within me and look outside of me for the way that I should be and should not be. Based on familiar social traditions, I will identify certain aspects of God’s creation to condemn as mistakes that God would not have been so dumb to make if I had just been consulted with the appropriate amount of humility on God’s part. Maybe I can discover my intuition simply by frequently listening to the sounds of the words of an ancient oral tradition (probably while rigidly resisting the meaning of the lessons therein). I already am an expert on everything important so I do not need all of the trouble of constant alertness and occasional introspection, for instead what I do need is some external authority (and social rituals) to provide me a constant source of validation (to compensate for my lack of inner clarity and confidence). Perhaps I can even achieve intuitive clarity by memorizing the words of the ancient oral tradition that was later written down and then however poorly translated and then printed with very fancy lettering. Let me cling to the familiar in terror and reject all that is unfamiliar, or confusing, or might be contrary to the presumptions that I blindly worship as idols while desperately pretending to have spiritual maturity. Of course, I will gather with others who cushion me from recognizing my idiocy by encouraging me in it.”
Vanity is hiding from humiliation in shame (in terrified anxiety). It is a hysterical paranoia about criticism. Some vain people will even condemn all criticism (even rebukes and calm corrections).
How do they condemn criticism? With intense antagonism and criticism, they rage in their terrified contempt for any possible threat to their pretenses of confidence and competence.
They are delirious. They are hysterical. Their brain cells are suffocating from a lack of calm breathing.
As Isaiah said, they are as if in a deep sleep. They have ears, but do not see hear with discernment. They have eyes, but they do not see with understanding. They trumpet so-called understanding in order to attempt to distract from their lack of understanding. We can also call this vanity arrogance or self-righteousness.
What are the solutions to vanity? I think of only two. First is the least common but the best: breathing calmly while “turning away” from triggers of distress and trivial controversies.
The second is humiliation. Humiliation reliably leads to humility, which is the interruption of habits of vanity. Again, humility can also be cultivated through breathing calmly and other practices. Or, humility can be delivered even more suddenly through intense social humiliation.
There are also moderate (even relaxing) doses of humility called humor. The root of the words humility and humor are the same as the root of the word humus (for dirt or earth). Humility means being grounded, as in “grounded in reality” as well as grounded socially (with an interruption to privileged luxuries that can spoil a child’s respect for their elders and for themselves).
However, if you are not absolutely clear on what motivates you, then that is “even more perfect.” Here is why: we can help!
Many people would say that they have some kind of trouble with motivation. You have probably heard people say things like that and you may have said it yourself, too.
For many of you, your first priority will be to clarify your most powerful motivations (your priorities). For you, we have programs designed specifically for creating breakthroughs in carefully unleashing layers of motivation (not too fast, but not too slow).
If this appeals to you, then next you can learn how it works. With our simple process, you will explore what motivation is and how it has already been operating your whole life. You will experience increased appreciation for the power of your own motivations and for the similar motivations of everyone around you, perhaps including one or more people whose deepest motivations may be a target of special interest for you. You can also review some common problems relating to motivation, plus some extraordinary solutions and examples of specific results like what you will get, too, if you choose to use those solutions.
(To learn more right now about “unleashing motivation,” click here <link not yet active>. To review sample results for our other services, scroll down first.)
We have services for health enthusiasts:
As well as several financial services, including debt settlement and highly-profitable investment programs.
Or maybe you could sacrifice some consistency for long-term profitability:
Increased website traffic & visibility
Increased “open-rate” (& profitability) for email marketing campaigns:
(If you know exactly the kinds of results that you would like to produce next, then click here. <link not yet active> To learn more first about “unleashing motivation,” click here.) <link not yet active>
To send us a message, click here.) <link not yet active>
Imagine a child arriving at an amusement park for the first time. Even before getting out of the car, the big curves of a colorful roller coaster are very prominent in the distance. The child says “What is that? Can I go on it?”
If the child has never been on a roller coaster, then they may be quite relaxed and genuinely eager to go on it- maybe not as excited as if they were more familiar with roller coasters. They have no experience with what it will be like to ride it. They are very sincere about their interest. However, they are completely unfamiliar with the reality of what the ride would be like for them.
So, are they confident? If so, how? They may be confident about their curiosity. They are certain that they are very curious or even intrigued. However, they can be much more confident about how they will like actually riding a roller coaster after they have actually been on one.
How about after the first few seconds of the ride? When the roller coaster slowly starts to climb up to the level of a single-story building, then up to the height of a two-story building, is that enough? Until they have climbed high and come speeding down (or maybe looped upside down twice in a row), then they are not actually experienced with roller coasters- no many how many stories they have heard or how many books about it they have read.
However, after they complete an entire trip, then they can be confident about more than their sincere curiosity. Maybe they will love the ride and maybe they will not. But does a lot of initial optimism guarantee anything?
How about if they begin very skeptical? Does that guarantee that they will never like riding any roller coasters?
I think that one of the most challenging experiences for me has been learning the reality of confidence. I learned early in life that confidence could be important. People who were confident could be recognized. People who were recognized as confident could be treated differently.
I was eager to be respected like those people who were perceived to be confident. So, I was interested in how to display what other people would perceive as confidence. The actual experience of confidence was less important to me than attracting respect. I was competing for respect, including competing with people who actually were confident. Sometimes I received it and sometimes I did not.
Only later in life did the experience of confidence itself become a focus. I had experienced the lasting stress of promoting a perception of confidence. I had earned respect in a variety of settings, some of which I found to be of no
Maintaining a persona of confidence could be especially exhausting in personal relationships. I learned a set of expectations for how people should seem, then attempted to present myself in conformity to those expectations. Sometimes that worked as hoped. I also failed to be convincing on occasion or even succeeded in promoting a particular perception but was not rewarded for it.
For example, I remember telling someone much older than me that I was very interested in social responsibility as in keeping the beach clean (picking up trash that people had left behind). She was not impressed.
She asked me if there were young ladies my age that were also part of the “beach clean up.” I said yes. She asked me if I had ever gone to clean up trash from the beach without a bunch of young women my age. I said no. She asked if I had gone to the beach with those same companions just to enjoy their company at the beach and not to pick up trash. I said “not yet, but yes I do like that idea.” She tapped her forehead and said, “yeah, I thought you might.”
Imagine a confident young man walking up to a young lady that interests him and saying “Hey, I have one quick thing to say to you, so stop texting your so-called boyfriend and look at me when I am talking to you. So, here is what is happening. You and I are going to the beach together this weekend- just the two of us- and I want to go with you in particular because what is really important to me is the environment and so we will take some garbage bags with us to pick up a bunch of trash and I have seen that you are really good at that kind of thing. You really know how to spot trash quickly and pick it up and then place it in to a bag until it the bag is too heavy for your thin little arms to carry. Also, we can take a whole box of bags, too, so we can really get a lot done in one day. Anyway, I want you to know that I respect that you really care about social responsibility rather than trivial things like social status or personal relationships. Instead of being horribly selfish like the snobs that should be more jealous of me for my excellent citizenship, you and I will be good people and get in to heaven when we die because we helped to keep the beaches clean for everyone until the following weekend when more people will throw a bunch more trash out there. One more thing: you do have a car, right? Don’t worry about paying for gas though because I will cover that. Wow, this is going to be really fun. It will be just like when the convicts from prison clean up the
trash from the ground except it will just be the two of us alone plus no one will be standing over us with a gun to shoot us if we try to escape. Cool, huh?”
The point of all that was that when I figured out a good script for appealing to some of the people around me, like the young ladies in my familiar social circles, that same script was completely unimpressive to a certain more mature woman. My grandmother was not impressed by my appeal to social responsibility. She did not come and join me on any beach clean-ups. She did not even say “I see that your grandfather needs to take you out more to show you the basics of courtship.”
Instead, she demonstrated that she saw through my pretenses. I did not care about any particular stretch of beach or even about social responsibility. I cared about social perceptions of me. I wanted people to think of me as a good person. I did not want condemnation or criticism. I wanted validation.
She demonstrated that she recognized that I was craving validation and she neither criticized me nor encouraged me in my environmentalism. She saw my desperate attempts to present confidence as well as my inexperience and ineffectiveness. What actually happened is that she changed the subject and she asked me how many push-ups I could do. Incidentally, her husband was a retired military officer. Also, I am pretty sure that they did not meet at a beach clean-up.
So, now you have heard a few stories about going to the beach to pick up women… I mean to pick up garbage. Before that was a story of a child seeing the exciting curves of a roller coaster in the distance. All of this was to contrast some points about what confidence is and what it is not.
To review, confidence is not eagerness. It is not sincerity. It is not interest. It is not openness. It is not just being relaxed about something.
All of those may be very attractive. They are just not the same as confidence.
Real confidence requires experience, and not just “more than none.” When someone has extensive experience with something and consistently gets the same outcome, then we can call that confidence. Also, if they are confident in their ability to produce a result, but are anxious about whether people will LIKE them or not for their extensive skills at, for instance, doing tricks on a motorbike, then that is being confident in a skill without being confident socially “in one’s self.” People can learn tricks and then attempt to “trick” others in to liking them. Sometimes that works very well, at least for a while….
Much of my life so far, confidence has been something that I desperately wanted other people to think that I had. If I was terrified, I wanted to be able to hide it. If I was inexperienced, I wanted to able to distract people from that detail. “More importantly, let’s talk about how the world should not be how it is and how most people are too naive.”
In fact, through lots of practice, I got reasonably effective at pretending to be confident. I grew more confident specifically in my ability to fake confidence in general.
Of course, I developed other kinds of expertise. I was confident in my ability to read and to ride a bike and to find my way around my own neighborhood. If the book was one that I had read several times and memorized, I was so confident that I did not even need to look at the little shapes of ink on the page in order to “read” the book.
Confidence comes from repeated demonstrations of skill. When there is skill, then criticism and validation will not be very interesting. When there is a lack of skill (or lack of maturity), criticism will be threatening and validation will be a relief.
However, there is no substitute for competence. When competence is clear, then there is no need for insecurity. Risks can be welcomed and measured and addressed. The best solution for insecurity is not just calming down and changing nothing else, but recognizing practical priorities and then effectively getting relevant assistance.
It is useful to accurately recognize one’s own skills as well as to be able to evaluate exactly how skilled other people are. Since it is impossible to be a master of absolutely everything, it is better to be very good at some things and then to ally with people who are very good at other relevant skills.
What is a good way to assess the skill levels of other people? What results can they demonstrate? What reputation do they have, especially among their competitors (other experts in their same field)?
Further, if someone is intensely criticized by several competitors, why? What is the nature of their criticism? Are they simply threatened by the exceptional skill of that competitor? Have they reviewed the competitor’s actual results or are they just dismissing the methods as unfamiliar (“impossible”)?
How clear are you on what you value most? If you are clear enough to identify a clear priority, then you could consider what kind of assistance you would like from possible allies, then begin to sort through some candidates for the best ally or allies.
Or, perhaps what is most relevant to you now is one or more allies who can assist you in prioritizing. What do you value most? What is most relevant to you? What is most repulsive to you? What exactly is most attractive? Who can provide you mentoring and coaching for you to efficiently get clear, stay clear, and fulfill your priorities?