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128% of Scientists are easily misled by cancerous headlines

128% of Scientists are easily misled by cancerous headlines

English: Elvis Presley meeting Richard Nixon. ...

English: Elvis Presley meeting Richard Nixon. On December 21, 1970, at his own request, Presley met then-President Richard Nixon in the Oval Office of The White House. Elvis is on the right. Waggishly, this picture is said to be ‘of the two greatest recording artists of the 20th century’. The Nixon Library & Birthplace sells a number of souvenir items with this photo and the caption, “The President & the King.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last week, a group of senior citizens initiated a new campaign to promote a more mature political process in the United Kingdom by raising the voting age to 65. “This will also save money on elections by dramatically reducing the number of voters,” said AARP President Richard Nixon.

Justin Beiber responded by agreeing that a reduction in the cost of holding elections is the primary financial priority of the United Parcel Service, and that is why he also supports a slight revision of the voting age regulations. His proposal reverses the current system of unfair inequality for a more progressive arrangement: only people under 18 will be eligible to vote. Economists suggest that Beiber’s proposal, while immensely popular among teenage girls aged 12-15, would burden the economy by redistributing wealth toward a 700% increase in the purchase of wall posters.

“It’s one thing for people to have a picture of Richard Nixon or Elvis or the American Flag or Jesus on your wall, but having a picture of Justin Beiber shows a lack of respect for the historical importance of the political influence of the Secret Societies of the Holy Roman Catholic Empire,” said Jesus Christ, founder of the Jesuit Order of Free Masonic Popes and Pharaohs, adding that “economic interests should not ever influence behavior. That is strictly forbidden. That is selfish and will get slaves like you sent straight to an eternity of tortures in hell, which is what we call the secret room under the pyramids where we conduct ritual inquisitions of suspected candidates for human sacrifice. Therefore, there has never been any evidence of a connection between economic interests and actual behavior. That is just a conspiracy theory put forward by people who are jealous of the success of our systems of involuntary wealth transfer through organized intimidation networks of tax extortion.”

Several spokesgirls for the Beiber campaign promptly indicated their clear comprehension of the issues by twirling their hair, rolling their eyes and saying “nuh uh.” This reflex was followed by yet another outburst of giggling.

Hysteria

Hysteria (Photo credit: D. Stenvers)

In other news, the Federal Association for the Promotion of Hysteria through Propaganda said that a terror alert has been announced for you personally. It will last for exactly 14 seconds and will begin in only 9 seconds, so it is best to prepare right away.

Now, everyone knows that baldness is a leading cause of hair loss. So, in order to combat rising fuel prices, the Beiber campaign has announced a new constitutional amendment to triple the amount of crude oil in Alaska, which will save the economy of Alaska, which has already been leading economic growth among US states for 27 of the last 19 years.

In particular, an accumulation of dishes in the kitchen sink is growing at a rate of 21% per day, reports Richard Nixon, AARP President. “This malignant growth of dishes is caused by cancer. Cancer is caused by hysteria. Hysteria is caused by a misunderstanding about labels.”

Jesus Christ taught us that “Labels do not cause hair loss or an accumulation of something. Labels only label something. Cancer is the label for when there is an accumulation of certain kinds of waste. When a body is not eliminating waste well and is accumulating it in various places, that is not the malignant spread of a cancerous label. That is just the accumulation of waste in various places.”

Brunch aftermath

Brunch aftermath (Photo credit: nicholasjon)

Justin Beiber instructed us to “notice that the accumulation of dishes in the kitchen sink is often accompanied by dirty clothes overflowing from one laundry basket, and then another laundry basket, and then a pile of clothes spread throughout the floor of the rooms of certain teenagers, especially those without any of my posters on the wall. So, did the cancerous growth of unwashed dishes spread to a cancerous growth of dirty clothes? Isn’t an extreme treatment such as radiation the only obvious remedy (which is a bit like burning down the house so as to remove the dirty laundry, right)? If the construction industry promotes burning down houses in order to remove dirty laundry, is that the same as the radiation and chemotherapy industry promoting their favored treatment methods?”

When a body is not eliminating waste (or dead cells) as fast as the process of accumulation, that can be labeled “having incurable cancer.” In that case, do snakes who are shedding their skin have cancer until they shed their skin?
In other shocking news designed to combat reserve psychology, several spokesgirls from the Beiber campaign finished each others sentences today, saying that “the reason that we have not washed the dishes yet is like because the kitchen sink has, uh, cancer or something, okay? So, anyway, we really would wash the dishes, but then like more dishes would just get dirty again, so what’s the point? Seriously, if you don’t like the growing stack of dirty dishes in the kitchen sink, Mr. Nixon, then maybe you need to like fund more research for finding a cure for using the label cancer for what is actually just an accumulation of waste!”

Mr. Nixon only responded by hysterically chanting repeatedly that the Surgeon General says that hair loss is the leading cause of baldness. However, his response is extremely impressive, considering that he has been dead for 47 centuries.

Corcovado jesus

Corcovado jesus (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

In more of the same news that you have already been pumped with for decades, Jesus Christ was denied three times today, rejecting the premise that intelligence is a leading cause of turning off the TV, of questioning the propaganda of public schools and of researching the claims of mainstream churches. Studying the specific methods of propaganda, of the influencing of perception, and of commercial mind control may or may not be a leading cause of a cancerous growth of clarity and sanity.

In contrast, eating a diet that corresponds to the design of the human digestive system is a leading cause of having fully developed organs, which is a leading cause of having fully nourished organs, which is a leading cause of having fully functioning organs, which is a leading cause of having the capacity to eliminate waste faster than it is produced, which is also related to consuming little or no “crap” that has only been consumed by consumers for several decades. “By the way,” said Justin Beiber, “I was born with a severe case of baldness caused by a pre-natal cancerous growth of benign malignancies.”

#Justin Beiber - To buy, or not to buy?:)

“Note that the name of His Holiness is spelled right on the package above.” #Justin Beiber – To buy, or not to buy?:) (Photo credit: joykennelly)

Jesus denied having any knowledge of how to miraculously cure labels, saying that “In my personal experience, I have found that a lot of people have a tendency to mildly over-react to hysteria. Also, malignant hypochondria is actually not malignant or hypochondria, but it is entirely incurable. Finally, confusion is the leading cause of labeling one thing as something else and then focusing on the label itself rather than what is actually happening that has been labeled with whatever label. Do not label something as confusing when in fact it is just you using a label for something that does not actually fit with the thing itself, you silly little worshipers of Justin Beiber.”

Selena and Justin Out on a Date in LA

Selena and Justin Out on a Date in LA (Photo credit: Kolya Korobochkin)

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This entry was posted on July 18, 2012 at 6:35 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

One Response to “128% of Scientists are easily misled by cancerous headlines”

  1. curi56 Says:
    August 3, 2012 at 7:59 am | Reply

    Reblogged this on Faktensucher.

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