The Anti-Negativity Counter-Revolution
“Just say no to reverse psychology.”
First and foremost, I deny my own existence (and, only secondarily, the “alleged” existence of the words “existence,” “alleged,” “deny,” and “words”). You, however, are another matter entirely. Without you, I would not have any reason to stick around here at all!
Very soon, but certainly not right now, stop believing that you can stop having beliefs. You are just an accumulation of beliefs. That’s it. Specifically, you are all of the things that I believe that I could not be- or at least should not be.
You must exist, by the way, because I am of course not how you are, because I am right and that means that there must be someone else who is not. How about… you?
So all this must mean that if any of those “wrong” ways of being exist at all – which of course are not how I am, right- then that obviously must be you! I mean, otherwise, that would be me, and those “wrong” ways of being just cannot be me, because I must be perfect, right, good, and so on. You do know that, right?
Since good is not evil, then if there is anything that is evil, it obviously is not me! Remember, I’m the good one. Do not question this, by the way, because if you question this, then you will live an evil life of permanently eternal suffering and torment and guilt and shame and other really scary words like negative and fear and anger or unconstitutional sex and illicit poop and extra-marital bankruptcy and unauthorized plant species and lonely alien nationality or even, gasp… college algebra!
If anything is not good- are you starting to see this- then that is where you come in. I must be ONLY good, and therefore you must exist, you know, in order for there to be a someone to be all of the other things that are not only good, which, by the way, is how I am. I think I am going to call you the Devil (or maybe Satan). Oh, and you can call me Santa.
Now that we have all of this clear, it’s almost time for me to pretend that all of that was not really about this next thing. So, before we go any further, I have one question for you: am I ready?
No, that was not the question. The question is… what do I hate most about you?
Yes, that is the issue. For instance, do I hate that you are rich? Well, then I obviously am resisting the possibility that I could be rich!
After all, we all know that the love of being rich is the root of all hatred. At least I know that I hate rich people, so you probably would hate me, too, if I was rich, right- so I just won’t be rich, you know, so that you will like me.
What? You think that the worship of vanity is the root of all hypocrisy? Well, I don’t know what words you are worshiping as holy, buddy, but I just do not think that any of that is a direct verbatim quote of any popular scripture, and if something is not popular scripture, than how could it possibly be worth even considering as possible?
You might as well just start a whole new religion basically, you know, and then write down your own little oral traditions as if they were the words of God or something. You know, you could do like all those folks did who started all those other religions whose scriptures we have been worshiping as holy for the last few thousand years.
But seriously it can take several decades for that kind of thing to catch on, so don’t say that I did not warn you, alright? People get crucified for heretical comments like “the worship of vanity is the root of all self-righteousness hypocrisy.”
What are people going to think if you just come out and say that kind of crap? I’m telling you: stick with what obviously works, like “you are all evil sinners and therefore you are definitely going to hell unless you come to my church and give me ten percent of all your wives, I mean, all your wages.”
Or, speaking of ten percent of your wives, is the thing that I hate most about you that you are so young and sexy? Well, in that case, then I will just shave my body hair to trick everyone into thinking that I am a pre-teen (or was that a newborn infant… remind me?). Whatever… oh, and I will also tell all of those young and sexy people that they can suck my… my words. Yes, that is what I was going to say all along: suck my words.
I mean, what did you think I was going to say? You have such a creative mind, don’t you? Did you think I was going to say “suck my thumb?” That is very clever of you- because, yes, that is related to the whole infantile reference I made earlier. I just can’t get anything by you, can I?
Be ashamed. Come to my church, like, every single week or something. Oh, and bring your money. Just remember to leave some of it here before you go.
What? Did I say something that offends you? I’m sorry, no, I’m really really sorry.
What? You want three in a row of ”really” and then you will believe that I believe in my own guilt. Sure, okay, then: I am really really really really sorry. See- I put in 4 of that word really so that you know that I am being sincere, because I could have just used 3 of them in a row, right?
Anyway, I did want to let you all know that the patriotic thing to do is to put all of your assets into your own name and under our social security account number that we have provided for you. Do not ever use tax-exempt shelters because that could slow down the advance of global communism.
Make sure that you invest a whole lot into real estate, too, especially using really aggressive borrowing, okay, because we are about to deflate the whole lending market. That will totally collapse the prices of real estate so we can extract all of that accumulated ownership of the naive middle classes and concentrate it all over here in our Fund for an Impoverished God, AKA the Bank for International Settlements (www.bis.org, the “hub” of all the world’s central banks).
Oh, and as for investing in gold, there has never been a better time for throwing all of your eggs into one bucket with holes in it… than right before a huge deflationary concentration of wealth into very few hands. Buy lots of gold just like at the peak in 1980. Sure, that was a horrible investment then, but if you fell for it then, well then- hey, you might fall for it again…. even though the fundamentals of precious metals markets are not especially any different at all than in recent years or decades.
Just keep thinking that gold is what makes governments tick, rather than organized violence. By the way, that whole thing about the organized violence being a factor at all in how gold got to be so valuable just because governments (with armies of mercenaries) required payment in gold coins, well, that is just a myth thrown about by insane conspiracy theorists.
Gold is magically powerful. A gold coin can protect you from nuclear blasts (and cell phone radiation), as well as the effects of bad words that do not exist like “poop,” plus, as an added bonus if you order in the next 90 seconds, gold allows you to enjoy sex twice as much as without that gold coin, because you will only be half as guilty about enjoying sex. This offer is good while supplies last, except where prohibited by ink on paper.
Oh, and that myth about the armed mercenaries being the foundation of the currency system is silly. It is the ink on the paper. That ink is very special. I think it is even the color of gold or something.
On the subject of ink on paper, remember: do not ever settle your debts. That would be sheer stupidity, and just plain wrong. Let the courts take everything from you and then sort it all out for you because they are very nice people and you owe it to them (no, not the creditors… the bureaucrats).
Also, do not ever sell your assets, especially if markets are de-stabilizing. Again, when an investment is the least safe is of course the safest time to own it and ignore all clear and obvious indications that nothing different could ever happen in financial news, which is why we have something like 5 different 24-hour news channels dedicated to how it is always exactly the same.
Just keep buying lots of gold and, of course, real estate. Even when you retire, do not sell your assets- none of them. That would be a horrible investment strategy: to sell your retirement investments and live off of them when you retire. I mean, if all of the baby boomers who are retiring did that all at once, things would be like- wow- exactly like they have been looking in the last few years… go figure!
But that means that if you are a youngster (under 66.6 years of age as of 1980) then it is your duty as a good Muslim (or Jew… whatever!) to always borrow more, no matter how in debt you are. Remember, that is just what a good patriot would do, and you do not want to be bad, do you? Santa wouldn’t like that, now would he? Okay, I’m glad that we have settled that once and for all.
Please focus more on the scandals that the mainstream news focuses on, or the scandals that Alex Jones focuses on, or some scandal somewhere that is very provocative and controversial and scandalous. Be sure to alienate lots of people who are not ready to question their own governments by aggressively yelling at them about how governments conduct wars and wars are bad… or how spies tell lies.
Wake up, people! Spies do not even exist. That is just in the movies, right?
The next ridiculous thing you are going to tell me is that propaganda (which I clearly deny could possibly exist) suggests that public schools have never been essential for combating domestic communism. No, when the government starts regulating and then running various industries, that is not communism, that is… sewing.
If I tell you that something could not be true because it should not be, why the hell are you still talking to me about it? What the hell? Are you some kind of an idiot… or just some kind of an idiot?
Communism cannot be already present in any country that openly and publicly asserts that communism is bad. That would be lying, and lying is so non-existent that there is not even a word for it, and when I say it, what I mean is “lying.”
These are not words or letters or shapes. You are not here. Here is not you.
Stop pretending that you exist. By the way, before you go, one more thing though: you can make your checks out to “Fund for an Impoverished God.”
Oh, and please stop being so negative, especially about the revolution. Your negativity is quite annoying, rather rude, and shows a severe deficiency of spiritual development, characterized by lower vibratory consciousness such as having a body, which is extremely sinful, after all.
You should really be ashamed of how you have not been thinking as positively and evolved as I have. You should stop comparing yourself to other people so much and thinking about the past. Memory is the root of all memory. You should devote all of your time to developing higher consciousness (like me) so that your ego can be humble about it’s superiority over the false ego which does not exist.
Um, hello, but this check is for less than the suggested donation. And we do not accept out-of-state checks, anyway.
Okay, so is that going to be debit or credit? Yeah, I know it says it is a gold card, but we had to call it something, alright, so just answer THE real question: debit or credit?
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