“I just can’t”

I just can’t
do I deserve better; do I deserve worse; do I deserve everything that I don’t deserve
according to some model; according to some rules;
according to some people’s claims all made of words?
Do I look like I want to do this?

Do I look like I want to do this? (Photo credit: Andreas-photography)

I should not believe it, but I should not protest; I should not do what I should according to them

yet I should not rebel, though I should not obey; I should make up rules for what should not be made.
Do I deserve models; do I deserve rules; do I deserve anything that I should deserve
Do I deserve rebels; do I deserve words; do I deserve anything I should not deserve
I should not ask questions, except if I should; I should not give answers that have not been earned
I should not be talking; I can’t think before I think, so I should do what I can’t for that could set me free
of believing I’ve been trapped inside a maze of words, of perceiving that I am what I should not deserve
I think I am the universe thinking of itself, unless of course I should be any someone else
the universe deserves me but I should deserve it too which implies that I don’t and that may not be true

but I don’t want the universe crawling ’round inside; I

)”]Hallucinationsthink I should kill it before it takes my life.

If I should do what I can’t, then I can’t do what I should.
If I could do what I can’t, then I can’t do what i could
Have I been pretending that I cannot pretend, that I shouldn’t, that I wouldn’t, that I don’t know that I am
Have I been defending what I don’t deserve, what I shouldn’t, what I mustn’t, what I could never earn
I just can’t decide  whether to admit what I like:  the things that I shouldn’t, that I wouldn’t, that I might
I just can’t believe  that I could ever be free         so I carry around chains   waiting for the guard to sleep
I pretend to be trapped  like a mime cuffed and chained   I pretend I just can’t  help defending my own cage
I am on guard inside my prison with an open door     I must make sure no one escapes  I must police my whole world

If I should do what I can’t, then I can’t do what I should.
If I could do what I can’t, then I can’t do what I could
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