video: Embracing gratitude & releasing perfectionism

Embracing gratitude & releasing perfectionism (anxiety, grief, grievances, & avoidance)

 

Someone recommended that I tell a story to set up my main points.​ I will… after a few introductory points.

 


NOTES:

Option 1) ​​doing a thing because it fits

– attentive, open to adaption, open to altering pace or stopping, no need for passionate justifications or hysterical denials

Option 2) Doing a thing “because it is right, because people should”

– that is operating with attention to socially- conditioned ideals (to be loyal / faithful / perfect relative to those ideals)… In other words, fear or paranoia about criticism / condemnation / punishment

(So lots of things get interpreted as personal criticism)
​Generally, if you take anything here as a personal criticism of you, but without me ​specifically referencing you, then that could be a sign, right? I am presenting a set of contrasts and I will be talking about how each of the behavioral patterns have some specific or limited functionality. They all fit.

 


What is relevant for someone who frequently presumes that others are criticizing them? Increase awareness of possible discomfort, tension, or stress, manage pace of all interactions, select to interact most with people who seem the most attentive, perceptive, and respectful, or target an overall withdrawal from concentrated social activity (as in interact with a greater variety of people, but none of them very much).



Start the example-
​​Young boys of a certain age like to be physically active, including wrestling. They wrestle with each other, with pets, with adults. I attempted to chase my dog, but got frustrated. Also, attempt to climb most any tree. Wrestled with dad.
​​”Do not encourage him. One of you could get hurt!”

mom scolding dad (in front of child). Why is mom upset? She says I might get hurt, but dad was very safe. I actually got seriously injured (sent to hospital) At a martial arts tournament opposed with someone slightly older (but perhaps much bigger, stronger).

How concerned was mom with safety? How concerned was she with being criticized​ by others for neglect​? ​​With maintaining a persona that ​​suppresses ​certain ​emotion​s​?

(Could share in the delight / fun… But not if it triggered grief for her/ envy / shame)

Concentrated pride (can be burden on child of “must be perfect/ must never embarrass”)​

​warning to prospective parents- if you raise children for a few decades, they might occasionally embarrass​ you.

 


Gratitude
a small child naturally creates fun and expresses their fun

Why do they learn to avoid ​having “too much fun?

“Seen but not heard” :loud (distracting, embarrassing), jealousy of one parent for another/ competition for social approval

the child gets intimidated or pressured in to minimizing fun (at schools, at home… At certain times, generally in public)

“Calm down, youngster. Settle down right now!”

​​”Do not encourage him. One of you could get hurt!”

there can also be a general suppression of all loud emotional expression… Crying, laughing

Note that these physiological processes can promote a rebalancing of physical tension and a correcting of misalignment in the spine or skull.


when gratitude is buried, how can it surface?

Grief- when I am more grateful for something lost than I am scared to display it

was grateful, but the fear of displaying the gratitude interrupted it. Maybe I did not even recognize it. Maybe I “went numb.”


Grievances- if there is repressed gratitude (from terror) and no trigger for expressing it…

Seek out justifications for resentment and rage

vilification of others to weave narratives of victimhood

why? To attract attention (effectively)

to startle others, to attract pity, to cover embarrassment, to attract support / protectiveness

avoidance: “rebellion” to cause others grief

​State willingness​ to do something (or make promises to do it), but always have an excuse:
“not really interested”
“not enough time”
“too complicated”
“too stressful”

but what is more stressful: frequently imagining the activity but never actually experimenting with it… or experimenting?

The key issue here is if someone is terrified of expressing disappointment or discomfort, then they will compulsively avoid the unfamiliar. They will fear the unfamiliar as a potential trigger of repressed emotion, of shameful disappointment, of shameful anger, of shameful fear, etc…. They organize their life around shame… or, specifically, around avoiding shame… which is still organizing life relative to the possibility of shame.

Re-emphasis:

What is relevant for someone who frequently presumes that others are criticizing them? Increase awareness of possible discomfort, tension, or stress, manage pace of all interactions, select to interact most with people who seem the most attentive, perceptive, and respectful, or target an overall withdrawal from concentrated social activity (as in interact with a greater variety of people, but none of them very much).

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