Count Dracula speaks out on cruelty


“People should not be cruel, which is a lack of concern for the suffering of others. Instead, people should be emotionally disturbed by any suffering that they witness. In fact, they should go out of their way to find new instances of suffering for them to condemn in hysterical outrage. For instance, if an elephant steps on an ant pile and crushes hundreds of insects, then every lion who knows about the crushed insects should grieve in shame and beg for forgiveness, right?

So, that is why we are slowly killing the criminal that you see before you today. This criminal was convicted of cruelty and the shameless disregard for the suffering of others, plus committing a public ritual of human sacrifice without first completing the proper paperwork. Let the slow and painful death of this criminal be a sobering reminder that I have spoken out against cruelty and made it illegal, which means that it does not exist in our system. Therefore, anyone who witnesses a possible instance of cruelty must immediately report it to an officer of the law so that we can either keep cruel people from corrupting our holy empire or, if the accusation is unfounded, so we can punish those who falsely accuse others of cruelty.”

– Count Dracula
(a.k.a. Vlad “the Impaler” Tepes, the Proconsul of the Holy Roman Empire in Transylvania)

 


 

“It is really a tragedy that there are so many poor people in the British Empire, isn’t it? Those people need to learn to read, then read my King James Bible to understand what it says about God helping those who help themselves, and then finally stop bringing shame to our empire by their lack of wealth. Also, remember that you need to pay your annual taxes to the Inner Temple in London by the sacred day or else the high priest of the court will issue an order to the court soldiers to put you and your family in prison. Thank you for your loyal support!”

– King James of England

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