a toddler’s rage (and the fear beneath it)

Toddlers are not known for being precise about language. Let’s make up some insightful captions for these pictures, only using the vocabulary of an adult:

“WHAT? How I feel about [this issue] is the only way I can respect, plus I am looking for any excuse to blast my rage at anyone who dares to offer a different view. You will do! Also, anything but enthusiastic agreement with me is VICTIMIZING me. And yes of course I am testing you. I need to know whether you will back off if I indirectly direct you to back off, and obviously THAT is why I am shouting at you to interrupt your inattentiveness. Didn’t they teach you about this in parenting school? You should get a REFUND!”

“I crave validation because… because I am terrified of learning. Learning can include a stage of uncertainty or disorientation. WHAT? I ain’t got no time for that. Please just tell me I’m RIGHT! I am not scared or anything else that people should not be… obviously (!), but I am just really FRUSTRATED. What I really need is for SOMEONE to just put a band-aid on the cracking dam of my emotions, OKAY!?!? Do you agree with me, yes or no? (In case this was not clear yet, the correct answer is YES.)”

“Can’t you wait one cotton-picking minute for once? What the HECK are you even talking about? Are you trying to change the subject to distract me? I mean, what do you mean that I should fight for YOUR ideals? Why should I have unconditional love for EVERYONE? And all the time? Really? REALLY?!?! That is INSANE! You have been reading your holy manual for hysteria again, haven’t you? I think that the version you have could use a little bit better editing or translation or something. Look, here is the bottom line. I told you three bleeping times that she is driving me nuts. I can’t even stand to be around her. If you think that I should ‘fight for her’ more, maybe you have not noticed that obviously this relationship is currently not right for me. Is that CLEAR? Gosh… sometimes I am embarrassed to be related to you people….”

“Seriously?!?! You need to stop being like that! Don’t you remember that I have told you FOUR times that toddlers should not feel rage? Toddlers should not crave validation! I finally see the problem here, which is that you have FEELINGS.”

“Oh, so now I am the one who has strong feelings that I should not have? You are actually blaming me… wow. Just wow. This is getting hilarious. You remind me of a cartoon that I saw last Saturday morning called PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING.”

“Listen up, Mean Gene. This is my hand. Also, I am the hulkster. Hear me roar! Hulkamania is coming to get you, baby. YES! Also, I am the hulkster.”

“You did not just do that! You can’t compare me to that clown. In case you don’t remember, you called me an over-dramatic drama queen about two years ago. Well… for your information, I am NOT the drama queen here. WOOOO!”

“OOOO, what cha gonna do about it? Huh? What? I’ll tell you what: NOTHING! Why? Because I am the new Mid-Atlantic champion of a totally rigged meritocracy. Yes, RIGGED! I admit it. Of course that is a very shocking thing in our society because, as I was discussing with Santa Claus last Christmas, things should not be like that and this kind of deception and unfairness is very rare. But what was I saying before you interrupted me? Oh yeah, I want you to know, Mean Gene, that you are mean. People should not be like that. You should not be like that. Your so-called name sucks. Yes, it is memorable because it rhymes, sure, but it sucks so much that it reminds me of a vacuum cleaner. In fact, it sucks so much that it reminds me of this one lady who works downtown. Her name is BJ. Not the one from the TV show ‘BJ and the Bear,’ though. I am talking about the other BJ, you know, she does this thing with her lips like… um, nevermind. By the way, do you like coke? I’m just asking because my supplies are kind of low. No, I don’t mean the beverage. I mean the other kind of coke. STOP. STOP! Can you just stop thinking about whatever you are thinking and just focus on what is important to me for ONCE? THANK YOU! Okay, so this is a simple question for you. Can you get me some cocaine right NOW, yes or no?”

“Nature boy? Is that really you? You’re totally my favorite. You have like five different championships that you have ‘won’ in your fake sport. You are the real deal, unlike that one totally fake cartoon in which people are just reading scripts and getting paid to act out roles.”

“Huh, so that really WAS a cartoon once?!?! Imagine that! Anyway, as I was saying, I like two things: a mouse with no shirt and, as you already know, boobies.”

“Boobies? Really? Are you still using that word? Grow UP, dude! Watch me if you want to learn from a pro. You see how those cookies are way back on the counter where I can’t reach? Check this out. I need you to understand this so you don’t mess things up for me in the future. Okay, so when I saw what your sister was wearing today, I realized that what I needed was a plan. First, I got a stool and put the cookies way back there when no one was looking. Then I got in to position and finally, I waited until when your sister was the tallest person around, then I whined about how I could not reach the cookies. Once I had her attention, I simply asked your sister if she would get each of us a cookie. Simple, right? She would have to reach way back there and stretch, right? And it worked like MAGIC. By the way, you cannot tell ANYONE about this or else, um, or I will rip the legs off of your favorite doll, OKAY? Good, because this is VERY important! So anyway, it was basically the most awesome three seconds of my entire life EVER!”


Tags: , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: