Complaining about a conversation for performance

JL wrote:

Men, quit your complaining! Women find that as a weakness. Learn effective communication.

[You’re] a man! What does complaining do for you and the people around you?

(My rare rant.)


And what really gets me upset is when one of those adult male humans starts off in to a rant! (just kidding)

JL: I know. Was laughing at myself complaining after I posted.
Was too good to have people poke fun than to delete.
Insert foot in mouth. Lol


[Still JL writing:] It is and isn’t a complaint. Here’s how I look at it:

Obviously I have not been living into my potential. Therefore I have to look around & trip punch or kick those verbally around me so they are on my level. Dragging down others so that they won’t feel different then me.


  • Regarding “living in to my potential,” that is one way to say it. That is actually a reference to “what one has NOT been doing.” However, what HAS one been doing / practicing?

    Generally, people will identify certain qualities as “right” and other contrasting qualities as wrong or “how people should not be.” This linguistic model can be called a polarized or binary categorization. 

  • Later, in contrast to the binary model, we might identify a spectrum (rather than just two isolated either/or extremes). Spectrums can be divided in to portions, like a rating of “one to five stars” or a scale of 1 to 10. Spectrums may even allow for objective measurements.
    For instance, J.L. mentioned “effective communication.” We could make up something like this: a rate of 33% registrations (or higher) is “effective” and anything less is “ineffective.” That is a binary categorization. However, we can also add more subcategories, like “highly effective”… or even just report the specific percentage, like this: “out of __ number of events and ___ number of visitors, the total percentage of registrations produced was ____ %.”

  • We can call that “a conversation for performance.” We can contrast that with “a conversation for justifications and excuses and blame.”

    If I am embarrassed (which is a form of fear) and I am attempting to repress my embarrassment, then I might practice some “making wrong” to vilify a target of resentment and rage. “It was the fault of the weather, plus the economy, plus what I ate for breakfast.” That is a conversation for “finding fault” or “vilifying.”

  • Back to the original context of men (and women), some women really respond well to a man who is practicing a “conversation for performance.” Some women may also be specifically repulsed by a man who frequently practices a “conversation of anxiously attracting social validation.”

  • So, how can complaining be part of a conversation for performance? By the way, it can!

  • “Stop! You’re going way too fast for me. Can you back up to the thing you said about what you ate for breakfast and explain that part again… slowly?”

    “Excuse me, but as I am standing here, I’m really getting distracted by something in my left shoe. I think there may be a pebble in there. I’m going to take a quick break to remove my shoe and see if I can remove the annoyance. Otherwise, I may need to get a chair or a stool.”

    To make it wrong when someone makes something wrong is… not unusual. Can “making something wrong” be part of a conversation for performance? Of course! 

  • When we realize that all conversations could be conversations for performance, then we might start getting really interested in what type of performance is the focus of a particular conversation. Is it a performance to create registrations or to attract validation or to simply move a conversation in a particular direction? From the context of performance, what occurs is just different forms of performance.

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