“Deal with it” (Part 2) A courageous woman responds to JR

  • She wrote:

    Hello. I read what you wrote and agree with you. There are elements and varying degrees of what you describe that i am very present to. They are attributes that come and go and are more pronounced when I’m triggered and reacting from my wounded child ego state. I am developing a muscle around not being reactionary when triggered. I am, as you said, committed to connection, partnership, creation, love, joy, fun, adventure, discovery….

    really appreciate the time and energy you took to give me feedback. I think my “wildness” was lingering from a guy i dated 7 months, where all our time together was based in self indulgence …. He was wealthy and could afford to indulge in anything he wanted. When we broke up, i experienced what felt like withdrawls… It was interesting.

    Since last summer, i have settled down a bit, but still like to laugh my face off and play. Lol. I learned to be around others who like that too and who won’t judge me for being silly….

    I have never intentionally tried to exude sexuality. I like to look attractive…

    There was a time, 8 years, where i dressed androgenous … Plain… Frumpy. A guy i dated encouraged me to “look nicer”…. So i did. Lol.

    I know I’m not out looking for sex. I’m insulted when men and women judge me as that. Yet, i take responsibility for creating that [impression].

    Again, thank you for your feedback. You are very detailed and accurate. I wish you the best.

  • Wednesday
  • J R Fibonacci Hunn
    J R Fibonacci Hunn

    Cool. here is an analogy. I have never intentionally tried to exude the ability to speak English. I would generally never think about the ability to speak English as notable. I just speak it. I do not intend to emphasize that I can speak it.

    As for sexuality, it can be very powerful. In our culture, females are given mixed messages about exuding sexuality. It is highly encouraged , like in women’s magazines or TV, but also considered very disruptive in some subcultures [or at the typical job interview].

    First of all, if you think of an extreme example like a radical Muslim culture, the people are concerned with women exuding too much sexuality by showing their face. The women did not plan to have beautiful eyes or lips. They do not even use cosmetics. They do not think “I am intentionally exuding my face.”

    However, for some people, an unveiled face is considered “too sexual.” In the case of catholic nuns, they expose their face, but cover their hair. Why? Hair exudes “too much” sexuality.

    So, be aware of the reaction of “their judgment of me is insulting.” That is what I mean by immodesty. When you are Being respectful of other people’s experience, then you can be curious rather than [defensive:] “yeah, but [the result that I produced] was not *intentional*!?!?”

  • She replied:
    6/18, 5:10pm

     Why does the responsibility of “being respectful” of their judgment of Me fall on me, rather than them acknowledging their own insecurity (women)? Or in the case of men, u make it sound like men are not to be held responsible for their hormones.. Which is behind the rape mentality…My point is, men and women need to be responsible for the filter they listen to attractive people through. I even had a landmark grad, say to me at the forum review a month ago, she thought i was a ditz until she heard me speak. That’s what’s insulting. Yes, I’m responsible for the listening i create of me and they are responsible for their “already listening,” rackets and context.
  • People judge just based on my appearance and silly playfulness…. I know some women who in my past judged me …. But they are so sexually repressed and obese and unhappy… It occurs to me they hate me for being fit and happy and free.

    Like your Muslim example… Or nun…. If I’m free and self expressed and others who are held back for whatever reason judge me… Its a Reflection on them more than me.

  • 6/18, 8:10pm

    Never the less, i will be responsible for how i present myself and the listening i create. I hear my thoughts, at times jealous of beautiful women, or judging out of shape people etc. but i hear the thoughts then ponder what that says about me?
    I want to be beautiful and don’t think i am. I want to be in better shape. I want to be loved. Etc. so rather than condemn them for being beautiful or married… Loved ..etc i go to work creating what i want….

  • Today
  • J R Fibonacci Hunn
    J R Fibonacci Hunn

    One can be sincerely jealous of other people without condemning them. The ideal of “you should never be jealous” is missing the point. It can be dangerous to display jealousy openly or to trigger other people so that they perceive you to be a threat.

    As for “being respectful,” that can be an opportunity or that can be an ideal of how you should be, like an imposed obligation. [If it seems to be a burden, then either put it down or get help carrying it.]

    Anyway, I think of “ditz” as a very adaptive “act” [persona/ role/ presentation] It works to display ditz sometimes. If you do not see “ditz” as a skill, consider that you could think of it that way.

    If you go to a job interview and the interviewer is a woman and she is “insecure” because she is jealous of your figure or whatever, you can either condemn her or you can be powerful about your “power over her.” When someone gives you power, what do you do?

    People evaluate based on their [pre-existing] values, their interpretations, and their perceptions. The ideal that “People should not judge” is ironic. [It is even arrogant.]

    “Other people need to be more responsible” is typically an ideal that leads to frustration. If you can accurately perceive how responsible someone is (like exactly how they are responsible snd how they are not), then that can be useful to know.

    Arrogance is the idea (or the hysterical delusion) that other people SHOULD naturally have as much interest in my opinions (or my experience) as I do. That orientation could also lead to frustration.
    Stay courageous. It can be a very useful quality. 😉
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