paranoia, arrogance, salvation, etc

  • Thursday
  • Shelly Barineau

    Excellent speaking with you today. I forgot to ask you what you think may improve my paranoia. Me specifically based on what you know abt me. DF said you mentioned that some of his frustration may be due to looking for specific types of conversations rather than being open to another person’s interest.

    J R Fibonacci Hunn
    J R Fibonacci Hunn

    I told DF that if he values fun and he does not find certain conversations fun, then pretending otherwise can lead to frustration. The solution to that is to respect one’s own disappointment an either withdraw or initiate fun conversations (with those same people who have been having less interesting conversations- or not talking at all out of shyness, etc).

  • Shelly Barineau
    2/13, 10:22pm

     SB: I know you told some things I should be aware of… And to alter my response accordingly… Like withdraw if necessary (without shame). But I guess I was wondering if you notice a trap in my behavior.
  • J R Fibonacci Hunn
    J R Fibonacci Hunn

    As for you withdrawing, when you are repulsed by something, one solution is to withdraw with shame or without shame. Shame is just an adaption.

    The only two general forms of action are to approach (initiate) or to retreat/ withdraw. Shame is a signal to withdraw, but shame also corresponds to the experience of terror without any recognition of a viable method of withdrawing.

  • J R Fibonacci Hunn
    J R Fibonacci Hunn

    It is the freeze response from fight, flight, freeze or fake. It is a form of paralysis.

    It is internal withdrawal (like shyness) rather than a physical retreat.

  • J R Fibonacci Hunn
    J R Fibonacci Hunn

    So, respect is a core issue. When a child is terrified and craving social attention (nourishment, protection, etc), then they target “I want to be liked.” That is a basic tension. They learn what not to do and what to do, then what to say or not say, and so on. That fear leads to pretense and faking as in “say the thing people will like.”

  • J R Fibonacci Hunn
    J R Fibonacci Hunn

    Eventually, a child may learn not only to hide experiences like disappointment and frustration (withhold them), but to cut off their own perception of them (denial).

     

  • J R Fibonacci Hunn
    J R Fibonacci Hunn

    An example of denial is “I desire social connection but I should not.” Specifically, “but I should not” is the denying or rejecting or disrespecting of the attraction. We also learn to deny repulsions: “oh no, of course I like ____. Everyone does and I fit in with everyone one because I (pretend to) like ____.”

  • J R Fibonacci Hunn
    J R Fibonacci Hunn

     

    Arrogance arises when one of my shames are challenged, like “I do not think that you really like math class.” I say in outrage: “what?!?! Math is awesome. I am so good at math that I can multiply 3 grade levels above my age. I do NOT hate it. You SUCK! I am telling on you for sucking. In fact, I bet you suck at math, don’t you?” All of that is terrified pretense.

    Regarding the “accusation” of “you do not like math class,” a curious response would be “oh, really? Why do you say that?”

    An uninterested response would be “ok- I do not know why you would care, but I am busy so thanks for sharing. Bye.” (The “gratitude” could be pretentious, as in “subtly” repulsive.)

    The defensive, arrogant, aggressive response (“you suck”) is neither uninterested or curious. It is ashamed, terrified, even paralyzed.

    “You should respect me because I am good at math” is arrogant. “You should care how good I am at math like my mom does!”

    Another reply to the accusation: “well, sometimes that class can be boring. What do you think of it.”

    That is called “starting a conversation.”

    “I think third period is fun though. What is your favorite class?”

  • J R Fibonacci Hunn
    J R Fibonacci Hunn

    Arrogant animosities are the branches on the limb of shame. No shameful pretenses mean no projecting of shameful pretenses.

  • J R Fibonacci Hunn
    J R Fibonacci Hunn

    Can someone return to self-respect by shaming others? No.

    Respect them. Withdraw condemnation. The relief from the tension shaming (called salvation) comes from discontinuing the behavior of shaming. Repent. Notice. Relax. Be mindful. Catch your breath. Go sit under a remote tree until “the devil’s temptations” no longer disturb you. Hum a mantra. Practice a ritual of distraction, such as baptism.

  • J R Fibonacci Hunn
    J R Fibonacci Hunn

    Also, it is not arrogant shaming when someone intentionally disturbs someone with words of shaming. That is real aggression with insincere, fake shaming. They are not upset. They are testing. Some women often will attempt to shame someone just to test confidence. They are joking, but there is real aggression in their *intentional* creative pretenses.

  • J R Fibonacci Hunn
    J R Fibonacci Hunn

    “John, you know you can’t take out the garbage now because you are too weak to go outside in this weather and carry that heavy of a load. Maybe you should go play some video games.”

    That gets in to reverse psychology, etc


  • Of course, the aggression could even be faked.

    So, arrogance is a form of tantrum. It is a call for validation and approval.

    So, a powerful response to arrogance could be a compliment.

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