to family and allies

To my family and allies, I am reaching out to you to apologize for having remained withdrawn from you. I know that I have not been how you may have wished for me to be. I have withdrawn in fear of being criticized, rather than welcome criticisms as expressions of concern, commitment, and love.
However, I am also grateful to have temporarily withdrawn. Here is why.
I have learned a lot that I had been resisting. I learned that I have been arrogant as a defense against the recognizing by others of my lack of confidence.
Ironically, my arrogance has led to me being humbled. I am grateful for that humbling.
Those of you who also lacked confidence in me, thank you. Those of you who told me that you lack confidence in me, thank you. Those of you who did not tell me but showed me, thank you. Those of you who directly challenged, criticized, or tested me, thank you. If you do any of that in the future, thank you in advance.
I have also come to appreciate the functions of panic, rage, and sadness. I have been through sadness, blame, resentment, rage, and also other forms of panic.
When we are afraid of something happened again because we do not know yet how to deal with it, then we experience disappointment or grief. That sadness or sorrow is a fear about the future. It can be very wise to experience fear about the future. It can be very motivating. However, it can also be unsafe to express sadness, so we may temporarily repress it.
As for rage, when we are afraid of admitting that we perceive something to be currently a threat, then we experience a repressing of the function of anger (specifically, fury). That repression of fury leads to resentment, contempt, and eventually rage.
Like with repressing sadness, it can temporarily be very wise to repress fury. Expressing fury can be even more dangerous than expressing sadness/vulnerability. So, it is functional sometimes to repress fury, which can result in resentment, contempt, and outbursts of rage. Sometimes even rage is effective and functional, but perhaps rather rarely.
As for panic, that is about the past. When I have been paranoid that someone else would find out some detail about my past that does not fit with the ideal that I wish for others to perceive about me, that fear about my past can be called paranoia or anxiety or agonizing.

I can invest a lot of energy in withdrawing and distracting and hiding and arguing and defending. I can even invest energy in launching accusations at others to distract them from my own patterns.

So, I have been withdrawn in a panic of paranoia, but perhaps a wise one. I did not want to allow my rage to be directed at my future allies. I needed time to relax my distress and develop new competence (and thus new confidence, as distinct from my old, frightened, defensive arrogance).  I have valued the time to get clear on many things that were confusing to me before.
It would be natural for you to be somewhat cautious about what I say here as you consider how it could be valuable to you. To my family (including non-blood relatives married to my cousins and so on), my interests in your well-being is simple enough.
We all want our common blood relatives to thrive (children, cousins, second cousins, grandchildren, etc). Of course, we may have been socialized to resent our closest blood relatives, and I may say more about that later. For now, if you are my blood relative, I apologize for failing to have been an ideal ally and partner to you. I will say more later about that- about the alliance and partnership that I propose would be extremely effective at promoting our mutual interests (as in the welfare of the younger generations of our family, plus future generations).
I also have in mind a few allies outside of my network of blood relatives. Maybe eventually there  will even be some marriages between our families. That is not essential, but would actually be very consistent with my purposes here.
For non-family allies, I also invite your participation in a larger network. The various families can learn from each other and even support each other.
To participate, you must be willing to sacrifice yourself in the interests of future generations of your family. Fear is not a barrier. Why? By sacrificing your entire life, fear becomes your pathway to courage.
Only if you make your life in to a sacrifice will you experience inspiration.  You must question any programs of helplessness, powerlessness, blame, contempt, and divisiveness. You must be willing to question and release ideals that may have taught you not to value your family and not to communicate well with your family and not to rely on your family first.
These ideals may include ideals taught in a few methods. First, family is more important than the ideals of any church. Any church which does not promote the long-term interests of our future generations is, at best, a distraction.
Next, family is more important than any ideals taught through any school or media. In particular, the idea that people “should” rely on their government MORE than on their family is, to me, dangerous.
However, it is perfectly reasonable that other families, in order to promote the relative thriving of their families over all others, may promote programming that installs ideals in to the masses which weaken those competing herds of families. So, I already mentioned contempt and I consider contempt for any church, government, or media corporation to be, at best, a distraction. Reforming them is a low-value goal to me, a distraction, a compromise of my priorities.
We have been programmed to experience guilt for giving our family priority over “national interests” and even over “spiritual ideals.” Again, if guilt is good for our family, then I am grateful for it. If not, then guilt/disappointment is for me “not a priority.”

I do not “need” to hide my disappointment or to avoid disappointing others. Disappointment is a natural occasional development which indicates to me what I value.

I sacrifice idealism for the best interests of my family. I value realism and logic. I serve my family first and any other social group second, if at all.
However, I recognize that openly publicizing that my priority is my family may “invite complications.” I recommend caution about sharing this kind of priority with “just anyone.”
For those who have questions, ask me. For those who do not specifically tell me that you are closed to participating in at least an informal alliance to promote our common interests in our common descendants and near blood relatives, I hereby will be relating to you as “in.”
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