Justification as pretense & denial of power

Justification as pretense & denial of power

A Chorus of Disapproval (play)

A Chorus of Disapproval (play) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have done a long list of things that I expected other people to disapprove of, including obvious things like crimes (even just breaking the speed limit by 20 MPH is a criminal violation). Why would I knowingly risk disapproval?
In fact, it makes sense to me that I have done things specifically to attract disapproval. Why? Disapproval is attention. To someone desperate (as in terrified), then attracting disapproval can seem like an attractive survival strategy.
So, there may also be times when I wish to avoid disapproval though. Sometimes I might have no concern for disapproval at all.
Crime + Punishment in Suburbia

Crime + Punishment in Suburbia (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

But in regard to justifications, those may be all about avoiding disapproval. I do something that I expect people to disapprove, and, in anticipation of their disapproval, what is the obvious thing to do?
I list the reasons why my actions were justified. I may even make up some reasons or contrive some situations and entrap someone in order to justify PAST actions of mine. Why? Because that strategy can be quite rewarding! I can avoid punishment or reduce the severity of punishments.
However, there is a drawback to maintaining terrified justifications. Justifications tend to identify other people as the ones having power instead of me. I may claim that they are responsible, not me.
If I withdrew from a relationship or job, I could list justifications. Or, I could just say “I wanted out. I was open to something more attractive to me.”
I can claim to be a victim of other people. I can say that I only did what I did (or did not do what I did not do) in response to them, in reaction to them. I only left the job because of whatever reason I give to cover up what may be more accurate, but that I am afraid to just directly admit. I only sabotaged the relationship because she deserved whatever and because I was right because of why I was justified and so on. Circular logic proves the validity of the circular logic.
Representación del Razonamiento circular

Representación del Razonamiento circular (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

So now what? Well, all the stuff that I previously claimed to justify my actions, I now reserve the right to withdraw. Maybe I was covering what was actually attractive to me or distracting from what was really repulsive and bothering me. Maybe the justifications were just the pretentious statements of a desperately terrified liar. Maybe I wanted approval and wanted to avoid disapproval.

Maybe I felt guilty, but did not want to admit it. Maybe I felt grateful, but I needed justifications to create an extra repulsion for my own sanity.

Maybe I felt uncapable and wanted to withdraw, then used the justifications to hide my fear of failure. Before I failed miserably (as I expected to do), I justified withdrawing before things got too intense. I freaked out. I bailed. I flaked.
A Chorus of Disapproval

A Chorus of Disapproval (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: This is Dywane "Polyneon" T...

English: This is Dywane “Polyneon” Thomas Jr. in his “PolyNeon” attire. This is another image from the “Introspection of PolyNeon” album by Dywane “Polyneon” Thomas Jr. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I had a tantrum. Tantrums are not signs of maturity and skill. Tantrums are signs of desperation.
I have been desperate. I have tenaciously clung to justifications and excuses and explanations. I have been terrified.
I have blamed others. I have harbored contempt. I have claimed victimhood. I have justified keeping my distance though now I could simply admit to keeping my distance without obsessively justifying it.
Do you disapprove? So be it. Do you approve? So be it. Do you recognize your own patterns in mine? So be it.
Consider that giving up your condemnations could be a relief. Giving up your justifications could end a huge drain on energy. I could keep justifying my actions by condemning other people and then justifying my punishment of them, or I could forgive them and have all that extra attention and energy available for other opportunities.
But I am grateful for justifications. When danger is perceived, justifications can reduce exposure to risk.
English: The Schoolmaster being blinded in pun...

English: The Schoolmaster being blinded in punishment for his numerous crimes. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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