on connecting and pushing others away

Ninot sensei

Ninot sensei (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


DF writes:


Well hello sensei…question for you oh great one . 😀

Anyways JR sir I have been going over how or why I am so good at pushing others away…lack of intellect? Lack of wit? Attitude? Too judgemental? I mean what it that i do or dont do to cause the lack of connection with others? I appreciate your time as I know you are busy with all the new things going on.


Conversations with Other Women

Conversations with Other Women (Photo credit: Wikipedia)




J.R. replies:




*How* you are effective at pushing others away is a functional question. You can get even better at it.


*Why* you may be more effective than others is a trivial question. But you ask about what you “do or don’t do,” so it seems to be a functional question.


Yet, what you are not asking is how to connect. Further that seems to be the question you are pointing to. So, if you consider that some people are better than others at connecting with people- making connections and nurturing them- then you can study “how do they do it?”


In the fields of interpersonal communication, psychology and even seduction, experts study how to start conversations, focus interest, guide the conversation, and ALSO how to end conversations (push people away). It is possible to end conversations in ways that tend to result in specific plans for future conversations or at least strong possibility of future conversations. Sometimes after one conversation, someone will request your contact info and ask things like “is it okay if I call you” or “can I give your number to my friend who may want to talk to you?”



Conversation (Photo credit: Peter Nijenhuis)




There is no great mystery really in HOW to connect and be effective in communication, but there are many small mysteries and there is also, like with riding a bike or playing baseball, the issue of practice and skill. There is knowing what to do first and then second actually doing it well.


Further, for you personally, because you actually LACK skill at pushing others away, you end up pushing others away harshly- even in the beginning you already have “walls” and reservations and shame and so on. Then, you do dramatic, extreme things like unfriend them (on facebook) multiple times.

This shows your lack of skill at moderation in pushing away. If were better at moderate forms of pushing away, you would not use extreme forms so much, like unfriending EVERYONE on facebook- which is also totally fine, by the way, but just not very precise or skillful.


(This person unfriended EVERYONE from facebook a few months ago and has unfriended me several other times as well, always re-friending me within a few hours or days.)


How the Lack of Love Affects Two Men

How the Lack of Love Affects Two Men (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


So, you may not really be more effective than others at pushing people away. You may just produce that result a lot, but unintentionally. Then, you rationalize and say “well, it was my intention to push others away! It was for my spiritual growth, after all….”


That is fine. That may even be true. So what?


So, there is the issue of precision in your use of language. First, you realize that you use language. That is simple enough. Then you realize the results that your use of language produce- such as pushing people away or not even really pushing, but just having people never connect much with you and so they just wander off before long… or maybe you wander off because you know you are not very good at pushing people away so you just avoid them.


We can ask… how are you good at pushing people away AND how are you not effective at pushing people away? Also, how are you good at connecting with people and how are you not effective? These are functional questions of introspection or self-awareness or being spiritually awake, being humble, being sane, being effective, being functional.




DF replied:


Yes sir thank you for your in depth and timely answer I will consider all that you said there…


Conversations with Myself

Conversations with Myself (Photo credit: Wikipedia)




Thirteen Conversations About One Thing

Thirteen Conversations About One Thing (Photo credit: Wikipedia)





Tags: , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: