Are women attracted to men that they trust? Or, do they trust men they are attracted to?

attractive woman


Yes, but…

Different qualities are attractive in different ways (to different people). To me there is an implicit shaming or disrespect in the idea of criticizing someone for “waiting for their existence to be validated.”

Without any shaming, I can say that some women (like Janet Reno, for instance) are so goal-oriented (and in relation to certain specific goals) that such a tenacious focus could be quite repulsive to me in regard to being a romantic partner (though I might find the same quality appealing in an employee – of whatever sex). Other women might be so far to an other extreme that it would also be repulsive.


, *1938-07-21, 78th Attorney General of the Un...

Janet Reno, the 78th Attorney General of the United States (1993–2001) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


I can say, again without any shaming, that a woman who resents others simply for not validating her can be quite repulsive (including as an employee), but it is all a matter of degree. One of my subcontractors (a woman) called me yesterday in frustration over some tasks that she was completing. It is far more functional for her to express frustration (and request validation and clarification) than for her to get frustrated and be quietly resentful (and unproductive). I gave her some extra training and told her something like this: “the faster that you can be frustrated enough with something that is not working that then you stop being frustrated and relax enough to stop doing something that is not working, the faster that you stop doing something that is not working, which is good for productivity and for peace of mind.”

Anyway, as for attraction, here is a secret about attracting men. Some men are already attracted to women. In other words, no matter what a woman does or does not do, she will be attractive to some men. Women who are very timid will not be as attractive to as many men. Women who are very aggressive/assertive will not be as attractive to as many men. But all men are attracted at least a little to all women.


English: Official White House photo of Preside...

English: Official White House photo of President Bill Clinton, President of the United States. Русский: Президент США Билл Клинтон,официальное фото Белого Дома. Ελληνικά: Επίσημη φωτογραφία Λευκού Οίκου του Προέδρου Μπιλ Κλίντον, Προέδρου των ΗΠΑ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Women tend to be much more focused in their romantic interest than men- much more exclusive. It can be useful to think of men not as especially exclusive in their experience of attraction, but just as committed or not. A man who is committed to a particular woman will still be attracted to other women, but will have no exclusive commitment toward them. Obviously, the more attracted that a man is toward a woman, the more likely there is to be a commitment to her from him.


So, if a man says he is not at all attracted to any other women but one, do you really trust that? However if he says “I promise to be exclusive with you,” can you trust that? Can you trust that even though he may be very attracted to other women, he will honor his commitment to you?


Some men may be committed to a woman, but not exclusively in regard to sexual activity. There are different forms of commitment. Many people found the “sexual indiscretions” of US President Bill Clinton to be very shocking and disturbing. Other people simply recognized that his commitment to his wife was exclusive only in regard to family (procreation), but not in regard to sex.


A man can be committed to all of his children, right? If a man has multiple wives (as is now common in many parts of the western world), can he be committed to his ex-wife (or ex-wives) in a certain way, to his current wife in a certain way, and to each of his children in distinct ways (like depending on whether they are infants or adults or what)?


Note also that many gay men have children (and ex-wives). In many societies, there is so much shame around the issue of having sex with a different woman than one’s first wife that many men suppress their natural desire for women by selecting male sexual partners. That way, they only have children with one woman. In a strange way, those men are staying committed to the mother of their children by avoiding sex with any other women.








English: Woman beggar, Guanajuato, Mexico Espa...

English: Woman beggar, Guanajuato, Mexico Español: Mujer pordiosera, Guanajuato, México. Français : Une mendiante, à Guanajuato, au Mexique. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


English: An ethnic Wife of Dhaneshwaran from t...

English: An ethnic Wife of Dhaneshwaran from the Kutia Kondh tribal group in Orissa, India. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)




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3 Responses to “Are women attracted to men that they trust? Or, do they trust men they are attracted to?”

  1. Vivien E. Zazzau Says:

    Very interesting, indeed. And I do have one question (please know that I am not, in any way, criticizing you — not that you should care, anyway), but exactly how is it that Janet Reno’s “tenacious focus” might possibly repulse you? Is “drive” really that unattractive in a woman? Or is it that coupled with her admittedly, not-at-all sexy appearance, there simply could not be anything there… Are you thinking that with all that drive and focus, Ms. Reno could not possibly be tender, sexy, freaky, or whatever? Honestly, I could understand your saying that you do not find her physically attractive, and thus, probably not a good prospect for ‘romance,’ but I don’t understand what her “focus” has to do with your doubts. Maybe women are different in this regard, but I have looked at people, found them to be physically unappealing, then after getting to know them, found them to be beautiful/attractive/sexy, or whatever. Conversely, “beautiful people” (as I personally defined/saw them, of course) ended up looking very unappealing to me simply because of their attitudes, or ignorance, or even the fact that they didn’t “understand how someone can sit and stare at a piece of paper for hours,” i.e., read books. Maybe I’m just hung up on the fact that you chose a woman so widely known for her… looks?

    • jrfibonacci Says:

      Great questions, Vivien. To clarify, tenacious drive is attractive in some contexts and repulsive in others, like if I am committed to starting a family (or raising children with a woman), I may have the traditional preference that the husband (me) be the one “out in the world” working in the heat and traveling at dangerous speeds and even fighting wars and so on (while the wife is safe and relaxed- whether pregnant or tending to children).

      Sure, Janet may be freaky (and there is that saying that some fat, ugly women tend to be more creative/receptive in regard to sex.) But someone who wants to raise children is not really looking for freaky, right? Freaky just comes across to them as anxious desperation from low self-esteem.

      However, if I want economic security and I am marrying for my own “survival” (not for procreation), then I want a rich, powerful, driven partner (whether a man or a woman). That gets in to the whole issue of gay marriage of course. Or maybe someone just wants companionship (like if they are the ward of the socialist welfare state and trust in that so much that they just want a social or casual “marriage”).

      As for “my doubts,” I wonder what you have been imagining. I am absolutely clear. Any post-fertile woman (such as Janet Reno) who is not already the mother of my children (or otherwise a reproductively productive member of my extended family) is simply not going to trigger the same kind of interest from a man who is interested specifically in procreation and family. My children and wife (or wives) get top priority. Other members of my family (nieces, nephews, cousins, etc) get another level of priority and attention. Beyond that, I may or may not be looking for the prospective future mother of my next children. However, a prospective mother will never generate the amount of commitment and loyalty as an actual child of mine.

      In traditional marriages, the wife is the “prize,” then after a few children have successfully passed the most vulnerable age of childhood, the children get more attention, and then when the children are young adults, they eventually get more attention than the wife. That pattern may be even more noticeable in regard to the older generations. Let’s look at that more closely…

      For instance, if a wife complains that her mother-in-law is more interested in the grandkids than in the daughter-in-law, that is an odd complaint. Of course the mother-in-law will typically begin with interest in the pregnant daughter-in-law, with perhaps increasing interest during infancy and nursing, then with less interest on the mother’s well-being and more and more on the grandkids- by age 7, age 17, age 27.

      Imagine the 50 year-old woman complaining that her mother-in-law is more interested in the new great grand kids than in the 50 year-old step daughter. That is just plain weird.

      Of course it is an evolutionary pattern that older generations are more interested in the younger generations than in any 50 year-old needy brats. By then, great granny may be saying “you should be more driven- like Janet Reno- you should be earning more money to start college funds for your grandkids” (the great grand kids of great granny).

      • Vivien E. Zazzau Says:

        Thank you for your thoughtful response. I appreciate it! I also found your example of a wife being upset about the mother-in-law being more interested in the grand kids than her daughter-in-law quite interesting, as well. Though I’ve often heard of men being jealous of the attention their own children get from their wives, this is a new ‘twist’ for me. Truly, life is never boring…

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