the distinction between whining and nagging

Ooo! I just reviewed some of the prior article and thought of more on the same topic: the distinction between whining and nagging. Whining can be done to anyone, but when I whine about you to you, that is nagging!


English: Angry cat

English: Angry cat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Singer Brandy Norwood in September 16, 2010.

Singer Brandy Norwood in September 16, 2010. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I mentioned a fear of intimacy being behind whining. Check this out. When someone whines, that may be because they actually are angry (even about something else besides the whining)- and actually I am really talking more about nagging here- and both the whining and nagging have an aggressive element- like passive aggressive.

So…. whenever I was complaining about my ex girlfriend, the real deal is that I was angry at her, but not always angry enough to just be direct about it. And how is that connected to intimacy? Because being direct about anger actually involves being vulnerable (for the one expressing the anger!).

So, if there was a resistance to intimacy or fear of intimacy (at least in my case), then there is more likely to be nagging and whining. (Resistance to intimacy with one particular person may be because of high self-esteem or interest in another person, etc- or it could labeled as a total fear of intimacy as
“just being too overwhelming.” However, what is that is always just a pretense and the real deal is when there is no interest in intimacy that is not really a fear. That is just no interest in intimacy.)

Now, nagging is stimulating someone- like little pushes to test their response. Kids do this kind of thing too of course. “Hey. why are you so darn messy in the kitchen?” That is passive aggressive! However, it is also… ASKING FOR ATTENTION. It is a push away hoping secretly (even unknown to the person initiating the nagging/whining) that the “accused” will respond with first compliance and submission but maybe also with “however, since you brought up the subject of a clean house, I have a few requests of you as well….”

Angry Penguin

Angry Penguin (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some people seem to want to argue and even physically fight, but a lot of folks just want to “have their say” and be understood and “feel loved” and, after a “good argument,” many couples find that they are “making up” in a particular special way that couples may not have done… for quite a while as they were resenting their partner’s lack of attention/affection. A lot of the urge to physically fight with a romantic partner can end up as passionate affection. (Or,, after a kid throws a tantrum, they may really just want to cry while being held in the safe, comforting arms of mommy… or grandpa, etc.)

Again, I am sure that others have this experience, but there are many ways to think of the patterns of behavior I reference above and all of this is just my thoughts about when I nagged my ex and when I stopped nagging her. When I actually did not bother to nag her anymore (because I knew that I was moving out), I also was no longer interested in intimacy and so on with her. I actually put energy in to AVOIDING her attention/ interacting with her. I just wanted a smooth departure, even though I was still in the same residence as her.

This is one of Matt's faces that we've all ado...

This is one of Matt’s faces that we’ve all adopted for when you say something intentionally stupid or just a really dumb joke…which I do all the time. Beautiful day in SF today. Went to beach and loved it. Saw ’21.’ It was ok. Better at the start, then average by the end. Relaxing, though. Didn’t do much studying this weekend, though, which is bad. I’ll catch up. Still have this nagging and super irritating cough from the flu. I just want it to go away. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


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