“cute accuracy” – chapter 2

English: Santa Claus with a little girl Espera...

English: Santa Claus with a little girl Esperanto: Patro Kristnasko kaj malgranda knabino Suomi: Joulupukki ja pieni tyttö (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I child, I suffered from a rare but very serious condition known as the total absence of an imagination. Other people said that I should have one or even that I did, but they were obviously just dreamers deluded by their idealism.
I absolutely did not have an imagination. I did not even dream. I mechanically sorted the truth from fictitious creations like those pathetic little cartoon shows on television (which I used to adore when I was 2 and embarrassingly naive).
Santa Claus was real. I had no doubt. My mom had said so and that was enough for me. Plus, I had met him personally. I even got his autograph.
Anyone who suggested anything contrary to the sacred truths of my religion were ridiculed, excommunicated, or, in extreme cases, simply bombarded by me with pinecones. But only if they really deserved it. In fact, their failure to enthusiastically agree with my religious dogma was enough to earn them at least a single pinecone to the face.
Conifer cone

Conifer cone (Photo credit: larsjuh)

If there was anything that I was sure about, it was that I was not naive. Naive was a horrible thing to be. It was frightening. It was embarrassing. It was simply dangerous.
Do you know those warnings about “don’t talk to strangers” and “don’t get in the man’s car because he offers to give you some candy, but at least make him prove that he has some candy first before getting in to the car?” I was insulted when people tried to give me such warnings. As I said before, I was not naive. I was a professionally-trained detective (given that I had read not just 1 but 2 picture books featuring famous child detectives like Nancy Drew). Also, I was not naive.
I do remember once when some of the other young boys in the neighborhood encouraged me to hold a burning match with assurances that the flame would go out by itself. They were giving me lots of attention, so I was certain that their attention was a ceremonial recognition of my superior royal lineage. They obviously liked me very much.
Unfortunately, there must have been some sort of malfunction with that particular burning match. When I felt the heat, then screamed at the top of my young lungs, and then dropped the burning match on the carpet, the members of my royal court dispersed like a bunch of gleeful young boys, except of course out of shame at their naivete and negligence to believe that the match would go out by itself, though they were laughing loudly and talked about the incident consistently for the next few weeks proudly, like as if they had planned it.

Match (Photo credit: Samuel M. Livingston)

Eventually, I did learn something about naivete. I also learned that sincerity was not the same as accuracy. One who was naive but sincere was often inaccurate.
Unfortunately for those other boys, I could not continue to tolerate their presence after a few weeks of their constant guilty references to the time that they thought the match would go out by itself but did not. It would not be proper for one so wise as myself to socialize with such naive and childish children.
I understand that those children may have been quite sincere about the safety of the burning match, but their naive presumptions were inaccurate and naive. I am not naive. I fully admit that I was naive when I was 2, but that was like 4 years ago. Give me some respect, people!
English: Two Lassa Witch Doctors Français : so...

English: Two Lassa Witch Doctors Français : sorciers guérisseurs de Lassa (Nigeria) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s like that one time when I said that I was suffering from incurable scurvy and some naive witch doctor said that scurvy was just a diagnostic label for a nutritional deficiency. It’s like these witch doctors have no respect for my sincere insistence that I am not naive.
One of them even said that I was arrogant. She said that scurvy was easy to cure but that I just did not know how to cure it because I was so ignorant of biochemistry that I did not know anything about any of the following: ascorbate, ascorbic acid, & L-hexuronic acid (AKA “Vitamin C“).
I accused her of making up nonsense words just to try to make me look stupid. I am not stupid. I am not naive.
English: L-ascorbic acid Deutsch: L-Ascorbinsäure

English: L-ascorbic acid Deutsch: L-Ascorbinsäure (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am just suffering horribly from a contagious, incurable illness called scurvy which definitely I caught from my sister because she had the same symptoms that I had a few days prior to me. She and I both miraculously recovered after eating a lot of citrus fruit, but the speculation that diet and nutrition are in any way connected to the biochemical resources within my organism is purely speculative, naive, and childish. I should throw a pinecone in your face just for suggesting that I might have anything left to learn.
I am 6 years old now, people! I am not 2 years old, okay? I realize that the demon of scurvy has possessed me because of my past sins of not following the dietary regulations of my religious denomination (the Food and Drug Administration). However, Santa is real. You do not seriously expect me to entertain a discussion about how I have been only pretending to have an imagination, do you?
English: Logo of the .

English: Logo of the . (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have scurvy (though it is now in remission). It is not just my imagination. I know because my mom said so. As I said before, I do not have an imagination because people who have imaginations are naive and I am not naive. I am 6.
My sister used to have scurvy, but she had it replaced with demonic possession by a diabetes. She ate a lot of candy and a lot of pasta and bread and then suddenly without any warning labels the demon of diabetes possessed her and caused her to have a bunch of sugar in her blood. One of the witch doctors said that eating a lot of sugar could be connected to having a lot of sugar inside of the body, but that witch doctor is not a member in good standing of the church of the FDA, so that means that sincerity and naivete and accuracy are all in your imagination.
A stachue of santa claus

A stachue of santa claus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

To be precise, you do not even have an imagination. Your imagination was possessed by a curse called medical diagnosis and then it went in to remission. You pretend to be trapped by the diagnostic label because your parents were much taller than you when you were 2 and they were sincere in their belief in diagnostic labels, so that is why Santa is real.
It was not just a dream that those other boys were naive about matches. That is the truth. I was there. I should know. The idea that I am not emotionally capable of accepting the reality that those boys may have tricked me is ridiculous because I am not naive. I am 6.
There is no greater precision than what is found in the pronouncements of the FDA. They divide the truth from the fiction with no possible error or naivete.
It is not that scurvy is an imprecise and relatively ignorant diagnostic label. It is the sacred truth of the religious priesthood of the FDA. Scurvy is real. It is deadly. It was one of the most feared demons of 15th century medical diagnostic labels. Demonic possession by scurvy was a frequent cause of death until at least the 17th century.
Scorbutic gums, a symptom of scurvy. Note ging...

Scorbutic gums, a symptom of scurvy. Note gingival redness in the triangle shaped interdental papillae (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You do not understand language. I could stand here in front of you naked as a toddler and say, “look!” and you would understand that I was inviting your attention to look at me. However, just because you understand a few instances of communication does not mean that you understand language itself.
You imagine that there could be such a label as Vitamin C or ascorbate. I disagree! If that was true, then my mom would have told me already and she did not and I am not naive and you are wrong and now I am going to throw a bunch of pinecones at you to prove it.
You are worse than my sister. If I was out of toilet paper and I really needed some then you offered some to me, I would refuse because I would not want to be associated with someone as naive as you. I am 6. Respect me!
English: Joseph Stalin, Secretary-general of t...

English: Joseph Stalin, Secretary-general of the Communist party of Soviet Russia (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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One Response to ““cute accuracy” – chapter 2”

  1. perception management | power of language blog: partnering with reality by JR Fibonacci Says:

    […] you (as distinct from sincerity, familiarity, popularity, or “the consensus”), click here. [This is currently just a link to an old article and audio, but I will eventually update the link […]

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