“cute accuracy” – chapter 1

I stood. The people smiled and cheered and clapped. It was like a birthday party except with no wrapping paper, no gifts, no candles, and not even a cake. It was more like the end of a concert, except without all the rest of the concert before the end of it.

There I was, standing as high as the knees of all of these huge creatures around me. They were not elephants. They were not dinosaurs- or not exactly. 
Over there was my mom and dad, plus granny and the two ladies who lived just down the street. My sister was there, too, but she was not quite as excited as the other people. I was about as tall as her waist.
I was naked, but I did not even know it. She had to wear clothes. I could tell that she was jealous.
My tangle of hair was a chaotic mess and no one cared. She had to brush her own hair and tie her own shoes and use the toilet. Not only did she have to use the toilet, but then she had to remember to flush it or else she would get scolded.
I could count to 5. I do not mean out loud. I mean by stretching out one finger at a time on my hand. People would smile and tell me how smart I was. My sister could count backwards from 100 to 1 and no one seemed to notice.
I was the star of the show. She was the former movie star who could barely get a supporting role in a TV commercial now.
I was the life of the party. It was like I was the only toddler around a bunch of bored adults. It was just like that exactly.
three phases in timed shutter release

three phases in timed shutter release (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In fact, all that I had to do for a standing ovation was to balance the top of my body over my legs for a few seconds. It was like I was a gold medal gymnast but I got to start my routine right after the dismount at the landing.
“Okay, he’s made it to his feet. He does look steady so far. Is that two seconds yet? Yes! He has finally done it! The gold medal in standing up straight goes to the young man from the United States. Let’s watch the slow motion replay of that truly amazing feat.”
My sister would have had to do a back flip to get that kind of attention. However, she could not do a back flip. So, if she wanted some attention, a reliable way to get some was to use the toilet without flushing it.
A handicapped toilet in South San Francisco, C...

A handicapped toilet in South San Francisco, California. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Suddenly, I realized that I was simply better than her. For example, I was not nearly as smart as my sister, but my intelligence was consistently celebrated by the giants of the local political system (my parents).  Further, I was physically slower than her and messier than her and more emotionally unstable, yet again I was favored with gentle, patient encouragement to do better while she was punished for lesser indiscretions.
I was rewarded with treats while she was threatened with spankings. I did not have to eat any of my food at all and she had to finish all of hers. My vocabulary was limited to a few words with only one syllable, while she was criticized for spelling a huge word correctly… but much too slowly.
A toddler girl crying

A toddler girl crying (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was the royal prince and she was the wicked step-daughter. Like Cinderella, she was targeted by the ruling class parents as an unpaid assistant slave in performing household chores.
Exactly why was she targeted for such grossly unequal treatment? Was it just because she was 6? Or, was it because I was the chosen one, the future savior of the world, the pampered, spoiled, privileged infant nurtured to develop an extreme case of infantile narcissism?
Disney - Cinderella Castle From the TTA

Disney – Cinderella Castle From the TTA (Photo credit: Express Monorail)

By the way, my failures are not my own fault. Other people simply should have recognized my genius faster, then come quickly to me with the utmost humility (and an abundance of resources) to lobby for me to bestow upon them the favor of my wise guidance.
Who in particular? My parents of course! They are to blame for their lack of appreciation of my greatness. They refused to submit to me. Over the years, notice their long accumulation of criminal offenses as they began to treat me as if I was no longer 2 but… gasp… 6.
Who dares to even hint a suggestion that the royal prince should by now wipe his own posterior? It’s an outrage! Have my sister do it. I am offended to think that I would dirty my hands with such menial labor.

flush (Photo credit: anomalous4)

These rules are unfair! These rulers are unjust! Why do these so-called parents send me to a school to learn about the virtues of democracy, but then hold secret elections and count only their two votes, failing to recognize that I am the same royal prince that I was at age 2? What about my rights as the future savior of humanity?
Someone bring me some toilet paper right now! I cannot go around the house with my pants at my ankles and my posterior unwashed. Where is my sister? Where are all of my other servants?
Toilet paper Español: Papel higiénico

Toilet paper Español: Papel higiénico (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well, then again, if no one else is home, I suppose it is fine for me to waddle around half-naked and look for some toilet paper. I do hope that these idiots have not neglected their duties to keep at least one of the bathrooms well-stocked with at least one extra roll.
I shall have to have a word with them upon their return. In fact, I do not even recall granting them permission to leave the royal presence unattended….

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