how free is "too free?"

I’ve been pretending to be “like everyone else,” meek, humble, not “too much,” not “too arrogant,” not “too

intelligence (Photo credit: arvindgrover)

intelligent” or “too perceptive”or “too courageous/radical/unusual/exceptional/extraordinary.”

I’ve had the experience that if I was “too free,” then other people would not like that, would not like me, would condemn me, and would punish me. I give up avoiding seeming “too free” and I let other people and myself be as free as we may be, which includes the freedom to only be free in whatever way one has already been, or to pretend not to be free as well as even free to guide and re-direct and focus and limit attention.

I’ve been trying to get other people to be free in the ways that I am comfortable being free, like they should be comfortable being free in those ways, too. I’ve been pretending not to be free in ways that I have not been used to being free in already, like financial independence, with thoughts about how that could be intimidating and disloyal to people in my life who may be afraid of such freedom, who may doubt it is possible or favorable, or who associate abundance with corruption and guilt rather than appreciation and security and so on. Some people may be comfortable with stories of persistent insecurity (like no matter how much abundance they have available at any particular time).

Finance (Photo credit: Tax Credits)

I’ve been pretending to be afraid of “abandoning” other people such that they might feel rejected. I have been protecting other people (or pretending to protect them, like to seem “good”) from the possible experience of rejection (or loss, grief, etc).

I have also been pretending to seem well-adjusted in ways that I have not really been. I’ve been a mixture of looking good, but yet not looking too good, which then could look bad, but yet not looking too bad either.

I’ve hidden unworkability and faked confidence and capability to avoid looking bad. I’ve avoided responsibility, which looks bad, to avoid looking too good and also as a signal for attention and test of “how much do you love me?”

I’ve been testing people for their loyalty to me. More specifically, I’ve been looking for reasons to make them wrong for being disloyal to me, so then I could be free to do what inspires me without immediate guilt for “abandoning” anyone. I’ve been using other people as excuses for me not to be free to be inspired and to be fulfilled.

I’ve pretended things like “I can’t abandon my dad because I shouldn’t. I can’t abandon my son because I shouldn’t. I can’t abandon my friends because I shouldn’t.” I’ve made lots of judgments around me rejecting others or abandoning them as a protection from the experience of rejection and abandonment, which I have called painful or disappointing or wrong or shameful.

I have avoided being responsible for other people feeling what I didn’t want to feel. I have avoided feeling responsible for what I actually have felt, and for what I have been saying to myself and the resulting experience from what I have been saying to myself and how I have been being about life.

So, I am free to do what I do and some of what I do may occur as rejecting or abandoning to some people. In fact, it is even probable if not almost certain that something I do or do not do will at some time in the future seem somehow “bad” to someone, like a message of me disapproving of them or valuing one thing more than others.

A member of an SHG who used her loan to buy carpet making machinery in order to gain financial independence through increased income generating capabilities (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I may value some things more than others. I may not value everything equally. I may not value everyone equally. I may value everyone, but uniquely for each person in each moment.

I may value me more than all others or certain others. I may value certain others over the rest.

Some people may disapprove of me. Some people may completely ignore me. Some people may appreciate me however they may perceive me to be and they may also get that I appreciate them as however they may be for me.

I find things to appreciate about people. I may find things to reject about people or reasons to abandon them. I also find things to appreciate about people- like specific people as well as anyone as in everyone- and about all of life.

So, in the realm of finances and financial independence- but also relationships in general, I am inventing the possibility of being free to be openly extraordinary, like far superior to others in intelligence and effectiveness, rather than holding back so that other people might like me for being more “normal.” I give up needing for others to give me approval to be intelligent- like for them to agree with something I say or tell me it is okay with them for me to be unusually well-developed in certain qualities. I can also appreciate other people for the qualities in which they are well-developed and tell them. I can be generous. I am free to be generous. I am generous. I am free.

Published on: Apr 26, 2010

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Tags: abandon, free, pretending, too free