Dave Barry charged with parody

Though I did not actually read the entire thing yet, which is probably just a bunch of political parody, this is in reply to http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/12/31/2568230/dave-barrys-2011-year-in-review.html

Dave Barry (whose real name is actually David) is a disgruntled failure who is only claiming that our political system has become a drainage ditch because he secretly wants to be chief commander and rebuild the Temple of his direct ancestor, King Dave. I know this because I once read a book that had the words “pyschiatric diagnosis” in the title (not that I read the entire book, which was very wordy).

In conclusion, it is clear to me and the other members of the jury, of which there are none, that David “Dave” Barry, in order to compensate for an undiagnosed case of Vertical Deficiency Syndrome (being less than 6 feet tall) , also displays a classic case of Stupidity Syndrome (also known as SS or, in popular slang, “the Nazi secret police thing”). In other words, what I am saying is that our political system (and this applies whether you live in Miami or in another country, such as the Magic Kingdom near Orlando) has never been a drainage ditch.

David, who has been convicted no less than 911 times for first degree political parody and is currently being investigated for the crime of “civil political rhetoric,” also seems to take his own metaphors too literally or… perhaps not literally enough! I was taught in public school here in the great nation of Florida that all political systems are drainage ditches and always have been since their formation, except for one, which is ours. That’s right: the Magic Kingdom, which was dredged from the swamps of Orange County, Florida (or Seminole County- whatever), was not a drainage ditch until the likes of David “King Dave” Barry came along and publicized the ridiculous idea that it was becoming a drainage ditch. It is because of negative media hate crimes like those of Mr. Barry that our political system is now equated to a drainage ditch.

It is NOT a drainage ditch. It is a swamp.

Our swampy country is fine. Our swampy political system is fine. Our swampy economy is fine. Even our swampy drainage ditches are fine. Therefore, it is urgent that we must depose this maniac monarch “King Dave” and re-elect one of our founding fathers, Charlie Sheen.

Furthermore, people seem not to admit that the relevant political issue is entirely specific to Miami, especially the snowbirds, and even more especially the anti-Zionist snowbirds. All this talk about nazional solutions to local problems is meaningless chatter designed to distract us from important things like the Comedy Channel, or, more specifically, Stephen Colbert.

Here is the evidence, Comrades. When fuel prices reached $11 per gallon in 2008 in the UK (that is not a joke, by the way), I said:

“This issue is specific to a particular neighborhood in Central Southwestern London and must therefore be addressed by the UN as a global issue.”

But did our local ruler Emperor Bush listen to me? No, Jeb was apparently too busy focusing on the issues of concern to him and his pro-drainage ditch lobbyists in the distant capital of Tallahassee and thus had no concern for the $11 per gallon prices of his constituents in Central Southwestern London.

In conclusion, the only thing that we have to fear is paranoia, which is the fear of fear itself. Furthermore… no, I think I covered everything already. Wait… no, I already said that part, too. Oh, yes, I do agree with King Dave Barry about one thing though:

1) People should not adapt to changing economic realities. It’s just bad business. That is how AT&T ran in to so much of it’s present mess of having to choose between a 2 billion dollar bail-out of it’s chief executives or continuing to stay in business, even if that means severe austerity for the chief executives: by focusing too much on the Telephone side of their business and not enough on the real-money maker, Telegraphs.

2) Dave, I actually do not have any contempt for you personally, but, please, for the sake of Allah, go see a plastic surgeon and get a height enhancement. The issues you are facing with Vertical Deficiency Syndrome are not incurable, plus the procedure is fully covered under Obamacare.

Related articles

• Dave Barry; “In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season…” (pjchamp.wordpress.com)
• Dave Barry’s Year in Review: The 2011 Festival of Sleaze (washingtonpost.com)
• Dave Barry – The Rest of the Story… (farmbureau.wordpress.com)
• Dave Barry, Alan Zweibel Discuss ‘Lunatics’ (npr.org)
• Dave Barry, Alan Zweibel Discuss ‘Lunatics’ (npr.org)
• Strippers, Club-Goers, And Dave Barry Captured At ‘Morning Joe’ Live From South Beach (huffingtonpost.com)
• Since 2005, One Man Has Been Excavating His Basement Using Only Miniature Remote Controlled Earthmovers (neatorama.com)
• Review 156: Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys (thelablib.org)
• Girl Can Say Any Word or Phrase Backwards Immediately (neatorama.com)
• Dave Barry – I\’ll Mature When I\’m Dead (eyeonbooks.com)
• Lunatics (nochargebookbunch.com)
• Good Morning Starshine (ladygarfunkel.wordpress.com)
• To learn or to know? (myedthoughts.wordpress.com)

Tags: adapt, barry, changing economic realities, county, dave barry, drainage ditch, florida, fuel prices, language, literally, magic kingdom, parody, political, political parody, swampy, syndrome