why adapting is too wrong

(parody)

Warning: you should never adapt. For instance, adapting is often fatal. Adaption is also the leading cause of species going extinct. Adapting is what brought down the USSR and Napoleon and the Mayan Empire and Enron and AIG and Yugo and LTCM Hedge Fund and the Houston Oilers.

Instead of adapting, you should keep complaining about how other people should adapt, but haven’t yet. For instance, certain politicians should be how they are not. Also, certain foreigners obviously should be how they are not.

In particular, foreign politicians should not be foreign politicians. Clearly, they should all suddenly quit politics and immediately move to where you live, no matter where that is- yes, all of them.
Further, several other people in particular should adapt, starting with your grandparents, parents, children, spouse, ex-spouse, neighbors, co-workers, classmates, casual acquaintances, but also the media, teachers, unions, minorities, majorities, and, now that I think about it, absolutely everyone else but you. Again, you should not adapt- not now, not in the past, and certainly not in the future.

According to licensed government statisticians, adapting is the root of one hundred and twenty percent of the evil in the world today. Also, a recent survey of a random sample of four really cute caterpillars indicate that caterpillars universally condemn adapting, and, according to the same licensed government statisticians, caterpillars are infallible, especially the cute ones.

In conclusion, beware of conspiracy theorists who allege that adapting is adaptive. Nothing could be furthest from the truth.
Adapting is immoral, illegal, sinful, and completely ineffective. Adapting is a leading cause of several incurable diseases, such as scurvy, hypochondria, dehydration, leprosy, obesity, public intoxication, ugliness, multiple orgasms, and drowning in self-pity.
If you are forced by unavoidable circumstances to eventually adapt, at least make sure that you are the very last one to do so. People who adapt early tend to benefit most and that is the too wrong thing to do. Your adapting could drag other innocent people in to an addiction to adapting, condemning you to an eternity of punishment in Helsinki, Finland.
Always avoid focusing on identifying relevant changes. If something is changing and you notice that it is changing, immediately pretend that nothing ever changes.
Therefore, the following sequence of sounds is explicitly forbidden to be spoken. Please, I beg of you, forgive me for traumatizing you with the following quotation of someone who obviously has no credibility whatsoever:
“Focus on identifying relevant changes. Notice early. Adapt first. Benefit most.”
Note that the author of that statement was probably the mortal enemy of all people fluent in the English language, Dr. Hubbert, who was a geologist with the USGS. He computed in the 1950s a series of mathematical projections about when the United States would peak in it’s production of crude oil. However, he was off by nearly an entire year, so all his other calculations can easily be dismissed as naive and ignorant and adaptive. Okay, maybe he was not off exactly by nearly an entire year, but he did not specify the specific date and time, so his vague estimates about the peak of oil discovery worldwide being somehow related to the peak of oil extraction and refining are clearly the insane ramblings of a raving madmanic, even though those calculations have also been recently established as true.

But his speculations about how global demand for crude oil would continue rising exponentially while new supplies of refined crude oil plateaued and then fell, that is clearly impossible. Further, prices cannot just change all of sudden based on obviously unrelated factors such as supply and demand. That is just plain silly.

Dr. Hubbert, in his extreme arrogance, apparently did not realize that politicians could simply alter the geological facts to rescue humanity from economics by occasionally tripling the amount of crude oil on the planet with the stroke of a pen (or even just by clicking the “submit” button on their computers). Further, the Federal Reserve has publicly promised with a written guarantee signed, dated, notarized, and stamped with a 1st grade gold star sticker to intervene and rescue the USSR, the EU, and the Mayan Empire from the rising costs of non-renewable fossils fuel as global reserves are depleted faster and faster by advancing technology such as disk drives. 

So, budgets of businesses, households, and governments worldwide that are in no way effected by rising fuel prices will all be bailed out by AIG’s insurance policies, which are backed by the full faith and credit of both the USSR and the entire League of Nations. In summary, Dr. Hubbert was wrong and just because he implied that crude oil deposits could be correlated to things like economic prosperity, military power, and geopolitical prominence, the simple and clear facts are that the US and USSR rose to power not because they were the biggest and second biggest producers of oil on the planet in the 20th century, but because they both shared one unique quality in common: cheese.

Further, the increasing geopolitical influence of Saudi Arabia and other areas of the Middle East (that just coincidentally happen to have most of the rest of the crude oil left on the planet) is also exclusively attributable to not just cheese in general, but shredded cheese in particular. All that the rest of the world needs to do to easily avert any changes whatsoever from ever happening is, of course, to shred their cheese just like the Arabs do. That way, they will not only be adaptive, but they will be adaptive without at all adapting.

This and only this assures the very best of all impossible outcomes, according to the same licensed government caterpillars. And next time that the gas tank of your automotive vehicle is nearing empty, remember to urgently call your elected caterpillar- yes, even if it is the middle of baseball season- scream antagonistic demands in a language to them that they intelligently adapt on behalf of your abdicated complacency by passing a law that your gas tank will magically refill instantly for free every time it is half full, with all expenses paid by our fair-weather friends at the infallible insurance company AIG, which is permanently reliable because they have nearly twice as much money as they actually have.

In conclusion, if ten people who are skilled at mountain-climbing attach themselves to each other and then climb a mountain together, they are obviously stupid and deserve to die slow and horrible deaths for gambling their lives on trusting nine other competent mountain climbers to each act in their own self-interest. In contrast, if millions of people all blame caterpillars for being way too adaptive, that is obviously only because when millions of people with no skill at mountain climbing all attach themselves to each other to climb a mountain together, they can count on the USSR and AIG to save them from gravity. That is of course because one of them once read a book on mountain climbing and has an advanced degree in treating incurable ill will by not adapting ever.

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