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Psychological shadows and pre-occupation with ideals
For a child there are two extremely reliable ways of attracting the attention of others. First is to do things like screaming for help.
However, sometimes that does not work to satisfy whatever needs may be present, including basic biochemical needs like nutrition and hydration. Regardless of the specific interests arousing someone to attract attention, the second method besides any direct call for attention is any indirect call. Indirect invitations for attention include performing behaviors that previously the child has been trained will bring attention in the form of either rewards or punishments.
An even more obscure way to indirectly attract attention is through fulfilling a role for another person that brings them attention, such as the reward of social approval or perhaps some other form of attention. The idea that other people’s attention is valuable to receive is of course just one possibility. <more below>
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Let’s imagine a scenario in which there is a mother who would like to be viewed by others as an ideal mother. She values having that perception for herself and so she values other people having that perception of her as ideal, such as her children or her peers.
More broadly, a person may value being perceived as an ideal person. What is a common ideal that defines an ideal person? One common ideal is the ideal of being a forgiving and accepting person (or mother). Of course, in order to be an unusually forgiving and accepting person, it is relevant for there to be something unusual for accept and forgive.
In regard to cultural ideals of a mother, there are several “challenges” that might prove the superiority of the mother. A child who is unusual, especially in some way commonly perceived as negative, is essential for evidencing that one is an ideal mother. The unusual detail could be some kind of physical oddity- whether athleticism or a deformation in the child- or something social such as wealth, poverty, or some type of fame. Fame could be “positive” as in heroic glory or “negative” as in shame.
If a child develops some socially positive characteristic, the mother is presumed to be ideal for any cultivating of that trait in the child. In contrast, a socially negative trait allows the mother to show how forgiving and accepting she is.
So, a more negative detail is better for the opportunity to prove how forgiving and accepting the mother is. If moderately negative developments do not fulfill the role, then more and more extreme developments may arise.
Is it possible that a child would internalize (develop) a program to perform behaviors or otherwise experience results that give a parent an opportunity to be perceived as accepting and forgiving? Is it possible that a child would take in to their adulthood an “assignment” to present a theme or issue to repeatedly explore? “Does my mother REALLY love me” or “does ANYONE really love me” would be a fitting “theme” for a child who is playing the role of providing the test to prove that a particular other person is “an ideal person,” such as “the ideal mother.”
“Does my partner/spouse really love me” is also one possible theme for someone to explore. We may test them with directly challenging talk or indirectly challenging behavior, such as addiction or other dysfunction.
All of these themes are variations on self-concern (pre-occupations), as in suffering. Providing other people opportunities for them to demonstrate their idealism can be quite an investment of energy. Demonstrating one’s own ideal qualities can also be quite an investment of energy.
“I am so accepting and forgiving” says one person, with a ready list of historic victimizations and dramatic betrayals and heroic challenges to share as evidence. “I am such a survivor!” is another common labeling or identifying. “I am so smart” is another, as is “my children are so smart” and “am I pretty enough” and “am I loyal enough” and “am I happy enough?”
“My mother was horrible… which proves that I am heroic. My boss is impatient… which proves that I am patient. My political party is glorious… which proves that I am going to heaven. My country is crumbling… which proves that I must rescue it immediately.”
Some of these themes stretch logic a bit further than others. They vary. However, all self-concern is like a cocoon inside of which other capacities may develop.
Related articles
- A Healthy Stepmother . . . and the boy/girl crisis in the U.S. (ahealthystepmother.wordpress.com)
- Family and Forgiveness (readerwoman.wordpress.com)
- Guilt 1 (autismadvocate.wordpress.com)
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Tags: attention, Behavior, Child, family therapy, ideal, mental health, Mother, perception, shadow
